Lois Lane #30

LOIS LANE #30 (1962)
by Jerry Siegel & Kurt Schaffenberger
Cover by Curt Swan

If you’re familiar with post-Crisis Superman, your first reaction might be “this has to be a fake, Superman wouldn’t do that”.
If you’re familiar with pre-Crisis Superman, your first reaction might be “this is probably a fake, but I can totally see Superman do this”.

We begin with a crazy scientist (bizarrely not Professor Potter) who has invented a telescope that lets you hear things from other worlds.

Sounds legit.

This is an invention that would completely revolutionize pretty much everything in our world.

But in Lois world, the only major news is that it lets her discover that Superman has a secret family with a mermaid.

Once again I have to praise Kurt Schaffenberger on the art. You can practically feel the pure, unadulterated hatred in this panel.

I’m starting to suspect this was pitched as a supervillain origin.

Since apparently people in the 60s were constantly hallucinating entire events, Lois goes to the astronomer again to make sure she hasn’t imagined the whole thing.

She didn’t imagine it, but the planet still disappears mysteriously under her eyes.

You might think this is a fascinating mystery, but nope! The comic skips right through it and Lois is immediately looking at Superman disciplining his secret son.

Considering Superman is still a d#ck, I’m beginning to suspect this is the real one.

Although the fact that he’s hitting on Lois instead of acting like he’s disgusted by her presence is quite off-character for Silver Age Superman.

Eventually Lois just can’t take it anymore and unloads on Superman.

Superman COULD explain the situation, OR he could simply kidnap Lois.
I don’t have to tell you what he chooses.

But according to the wife and son… they are not his wife and son.

No, they’re the wife and son of his robot double!

It took 7 ½ pages to get here. It’s going to take ANOTHER 7 pages to explain just what the heck is going on.

And so Superman begins his very, very long flashback. Which starts with him teaching his robots how to die on command.

The robots are instructed to act exactly like Superman. Except when other robots or the real Superman are nearby, because for some reason the world can’t know that the robots exist.

Probably because otherwise someone else from Superman might be praised for something.

By the way, there are 2 comic book characters who employ an army of robot duplicates built for the express purpose of making people believe the original is omnipresent and infallible.
Silver Age Superman and DOCTOR DOOM.
Just saying.

The flashback continues with Superman being turned into a ghost by some red Kryptonite, right before an emergency.

Another Doctor Doom parallel: his robots call him “master”. Just saying.

The emergency is saving an astronaut from an incoming asteroid; “Robot X-3” carries out the mission instead of Superman, but he’s damaged beyond repair.

You have ONE question, Lois? Just one? If that doesn’t scream Silver Age, I don’t know what does.

Robot X-3 begins HIS flashback, which basically makes almost all of Superman’s flashback pointless.

I wonder if that broken Superman robot was the inspiration for Cyborg Superman.

“Meanwhile in the past”, we learn about a dying world where the last surviving member of an entire species escaped her doom in search of a chance to live.

But she lands on a desert world, so she dies.

Jesus Christ is that depressing or what.

But it’s okay because X-3 builds a robot that looks like her and they have a pretend-child with the worst possible name!

The son has superpowers because Silver Age. And the wife doesn’t because we’re running out of pages.

Am I the only one getting some psychotic vibes from this whole family? Like they’re a moment away from snapping and beginning to skin people alive or something?

Robot X-3 volunteers to kill himself and his whole family (!!!!) but Superman allows this fake family to survive, promising to always remember them.

He won’t.

Yes, “Superman is a wonderful husband and father because his robotic slave built himself a family and Superman didn’t slaughter them”.
Exactly what I took from this story.

 

Historical significance: 0/10
In my headcanon, a couple of days later Superman went back to that planet and threw it into a black hole.

 Silver Age-ness: 10/10
Red Kryptonite, super-robots, extremely convoluted plot that goes nowhere…

Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
Superman doesn’t act like the worst possible human being for once, but honestly I can’t see any way to resurrect this story. Or any reason why, honestly.

 Stupid Lois Lane moment
There’s a bit where Lois slaps Superman and hurts herself because she forgot he’s invulnerable. But I’m betting that if we saw the article about the super-telescope it would’ve been something like “I met Superman’s secret mermaid wife” instead of “holy crap we can hear sounds from anywhere in the universe now”.

Interesting letters: there’s a few, and they give you a pretty good idea of the people reading this stuff.

There’s “Superman should spank Lois, just like my father does to me!”:

There’s “Superman should’ve exposed his potential offspring to deadly radiation”:

And then there’s this little gem:

I’ll let point#1 speak for itself, but I can at least give him #2: Kurt Schaffenberger deserved a better series.