LOIS LANE #29 (1961)
“The Irresistible Lois Lane” by Robert Bernstein & Curt Swan
“Lois Lane’s Secret Identity” by Jerry Siegel & John Forte
Cover by Curt Swan
You know, it’s probably a good idea if Lois starts to think about men who aren’t Superman, but this is probably a bad way to do it.
We begin with Krypto writing a giant L in the sky using a flare. You know, typical Silver Age stuff.
Looks like my idea that the Planet only publishes Superman stories is kind of correct: with Superman out of town, there are no scoops.
Then Lois has a brilliant idea: turn the Planet into a trashy magazine!
As a reminder: the Daily Planet is supposed to be a major metropolitan newspapers.
Say what you want about the state of media, I just don’t see “These are the famous people I kissed” as a column!
Then we get what I suppose is what passed for fanservice in 1961.
That “my make-up is on right for a change” is interesting. Is Lois supposed wear less makeup than the norm? I never got that idea from any comic book of this era.
Her first target is Green Arrow, who is giving a show at an archery contest.
Because God forbid that Silver Age superheroes actually do superhero stuff.
Lois volunteers to be part of his act.
Then Lois breaks her pearl necklace, on purpose.
Good thing Batman isn’t around or he’d have flashbacks about his mother.
(too soon?)
All so that Green Arrow can recover the pearls with his vacuum arrow (!!!) and Lois can kiss him to thank him.
Lana Lang is covering the contest for her TV show. She should be ecstatic that Lois isn’t throwing herself at Superman anymore, but instead she opts to kiss-shame her.
Then we cut to Aquaman saving a sinking boat with… questionable tactics.
I’m pretty sure those swordfish are dead now.
You know where this is going.
I have no idea what “you’ve got more crust than a pie” means, but it sounds like a heavy insult.
Then we move to Batman capturing some crooks in the least awesome way imaginable.
Laaaaame.
At least he gets some bat-action out of it.
Then we cut to Batman calling a meeting with his Justice League colleagues, with Green Arrow and especially Aquaman arriving in silly ways.
I like the post-Crisis Aquaman, but I’m starting to see why the “Aquaman sucks” trope got so strong. He was sucking way before the whole “Super-Friends” cartoon.
They’re all here to call dibs on Lois to save Superman’s life… with a handkerchief!
Ready for one of the silliest end-of-story explanations you’ve ever seen?
Okay, the idea of Superman having several emergency plans ready to go is kind of neat, but how the heck did we get to Lois smooching the entire Justice League?
If like me you’re wondering why would Lois go around kissing people instead of just rushing to Superman to give him the antidote, the comic has an answer.
It’s a stupid answer, yes, but it’s an answer!
Good thing Kryptonite was completely harmless to humans in the Silver Age, or Loise would’ve been kissing heroes with a radioactive lipstick.
The Justice League was informed the whole time, by the way, and Lois even gets a kiss out of it.
I still think there had to be a better way to save Superman than go around kissing everybody.
Next: Lois Lane is informed that a crime will soon take place, but she doesn’t call Superman.
Well she COULD call the police and still be the first to publish an article about the crime.
OR she could decide to create her own secret identity to fight crime!
This is basically the same secret origin of 99% of all Golden Age superheroines.
She ends up being saved by Superman. Because of course she does.
You’d expect Superman to immediately recognize her as Lois, but he must have the same problem recognizing faces that she does.
And he immediately falls for “Lorelei”.
She’s even better than Lois Lane. She could go around kissing every member of the Justice League for all he cares!
This makes Lois go insane.
Let me rephrase that.
This makes Lois go more insane than usual.
She tries to push Superman away by behaving like a horrible person, forgetting that in this period Superman is also a horrible person, so it doesn’t work.
In fact, the more horribly she behaves, the more he loves her.
Lois still isn’t convinced that Superman is alright, and marrying him in her secret identity would just be a sham.
But f#ck it, why throw away the chance?
And so Superman marries Lorelei!
Or not.
Man, Mxyzptlk sure takes his time to disappear.
As for how Lois knew that the imp was behind this: Superman was just too much out of character!
I thought that she told Lana about the marriage because she wanted to hurt her rival, but no, even THAT gets an explanation!
I mean, I don’t believe for a second that Lois wasn’t immensely pleased with herself watching Lana suffer, but this time I’ll give her a pass.
Historical significance: 0/10
Sadly, this isn’t the beginning of a subplot of Lois romancing the entire DC Universe.
Silver Age-ness
First story: 8/10
Red Kryptonite, mysterious aliens that we never see again and a nonsensical plot. Oddly enough, score lightly lowered because it’s rare to see the rest of the DC universe acknowledged.
Second story: 6/10
Pretty standard for the time.
Does it stand the test of time?
First story: 0/10
I have a feeling Lois would be judged pretty badly, even more today than in 1961. Also the plan makes very, VERY little sense.
Second story: 7/10
You know what? This isn’t all that bad. Sure it’s as naïve as it gets, but all the standard stupid moments have a (relatively) sane explanation. And Lois refusing to take advantage of the situation is a truly refreshing breathe of fresh air considering the general awfulness of Silver Age characters!
Stupid Lois Lane moment
First story: Not kissing Wonder Woman too. Come on, you were thinking about it!
Second story: The entire idea of disguising herself to expose the crime. Why would she care? She’s a journalist, she’s not supposed to fight crime!