LOIS LANE #012 (1959)
“The Mermaid from Metropolis!” by Robert Bernstein & Kurt Shaffenberger
“The Girl Atlas!” by Robert Bernstein & Kurt Shaffenberger
“Lois Lane Loves Clark Kent!” by Robert Bernstein & Al Plastino
Cover by Curt Swan
The cover promises something interesting…
…but the first story has mermaid Lois Lane meeting Aquaman, so let’s start with that.
Notice this story is apparently in celebration of Hawaii becoming the 50th state.
It starts with Lois being injured during an underwater exploration and being saved by Aquaman instead of Superman, for once.
It’s bad: she will never walk again, unless they perform a very experimental operation on her.
What operation? SURGICALLY TURNING HER INTO A MERMAID.
What the… HOW!?
Aquaman specifically brought her to a surgeon, not to some kind of super-scientist!
Also: they say she won’t be able to walk again unless they operate her… but she STILL can’t walk!
Lois appreciates Aquaman’s help; I fully expected her to fall in love with him, but I’m pleasantly surprised: she doesn’t immediately forget about Superman.
Lois is a little embarrassed about being a fish from the waist down, so she hides from Superman as best as she can.
Later, both Aquaman and Mermaid Lois are knocked out by some depth charges. Once Aquaman recovers, he calls Superman for help.
Superman decides to help, but understandably the doctors won’t let a random person operate on Lois.
Not until he becomes the world’s best surgeon in five minutes.
And so Superman surgically reconstructs Lois, fixing her lungs and changing her tail into legs.
As a reminder: after this story, everything Lois Lane has from the waist down has been handcrafted by Superman.
And he STILL won’t marry her. Is it any wonder that Silver Age Lois Lane is insane?
Next, we have a story where a scientist reverse-engineers the water that made Achilles invulnerable.
Which, if we go by Greek mythology, means he deduced the composition of the river that connects Earth to the underworld.
Naturally, this is something you give to the first reporter you meet.
And Lois just keeps it in her bathroom, telling a visiting Lana Lang that it could make someone as strong as Superman himself.
Which naturally means…
Lois takes this exactly as you’d imagine.
Lana quickly makes a name for herself as a strongwoman, leading Lois to believe Superman will immediately ask her to marry him.
It takes her a while to get accustomed to invulnerability without super-clothes, though.
Though I wonder if it’s just an act to seduce Superman. This guy seems to appreciate the view:
Lois fakes being supportive to Lana, but that’s only because she’s been hiding a side effect of the serum:
Superman makes an antidote off-screen and the story is over.
The third and final story has Lois coming up with a new plan to marry Superman… pretend to fall in love with Clark Kent, marry him, and expose his identity afterwards.
I don’t see any problems with this plan.
There’s absolutely nothing suspicious about her falling in love with Clark with no warning.
She even bribes him by giving him her life savings of 3,000 $ (in 1959 money, no less) to but “everything he wants”.
Which Clark uses to buy everything he wants…
…including 20 $ on the engagement ring.
Clark is really going out of his way to show what a horrible person he is.
No matter how awful he acts, Lois still wants to marry him because he’s Superman.
Even Clark points out the sheer hypocrisy once he finds out.
The lesson according to the story:
The lesson according to the entire issue: Silver Age Lois Lane is such a horrible person that Superman wouldn’t touch her even after personally reconstructing her from the waist down.
Historical significance: 0/10
Mercifully this issue will be forgotten. You might think the formula that gives Lana her powers is the same used in the wonderful Alan Moore story “Whatever happened to the man of tomorrow?”, but that version had different super-powers.
Silver Age-ness: 8/10
Easily superpowers! Idiotic scientists! Surgical operations that turn you into a mermaid!
Does it stand the test of time? 1/10
Barely scraping the bottom of the barrel by the first story giving her some adventure that doesn’t revolve around Superman. Other than that, she’s either idiotic or despicable in most scenes. She’s salvageable in the mermaid story, but she does next to nothing there.
Stupid Lois Lane moment
Leaving the invulnerability formula in her bathroom while telling Lana exactly how to use it, then being angry when she follows her own plan.
Nice job breaking it, Lois
The scientist and Lana are to blame as well, but she lost a formula that can turn people invulnerable.