JIMMY OLSEN 59 (1961)
by Leo Dorfman & Curt Swan
I’m sure this will be a dignified story.
It’s Valentine’s Day, and Lucy Lane has a literal line of boyfriends outside her door.
I think I’m going to officially count Jimmy Olsen as the first ever comic book character in an open relationship.
Lucy’s reactions and her barely hidden complete disdain for Jimmy are always the highlight of those stories.
So Jimmy starts to save enough money to hopefully buy her something expensive.
Dude, at this point it’s clear that Lucy is only interested in you to satisfy her humiliation fetish; it’s not like a new present is going to make her think that you’re not a horrible human being.
Let’s move to something more realistic: aliens!
Specifically an alien girl with a dress that I suppose would’ve been scandalous in 1964.
This is Princess Ilona and she traveled to Earth because she wants to marry Jimmy.
Definitely the plot of more than a dozen anime.
Turns out this means they’re betrothed. Good thing Earth doesn’t have this custom or Lucy would now need to marry a couple hundred guys by now.
The belt grants Jimmy superpowers. Some of them we have already seen, like flight and invisibility…
But we can also add golden touch to the ever-growing list of Jimmy Olsen superpowers!
Jimmy invites Ilona to the Valentine Day’s party that Lucy is attending, because of course he does.
You know I REALLY don’t want to shame Lucy’s promiscuity too much, but these comics make it WAY too easy to resist.
Although maybe she’s just surrounded by the thirstiest guys on the planet, because they immediately ditch Lucy and only have eyes for Ilona.
Lucy, not having learned her lesson from the last time Jimmy showed up at a party with a girl way out of his league, wonders if Jimmy is actually a fascinating person.
But once Jimmy drops that he’s engaged to Ilona, she leaves the party with a guy dressed like Superman got Batman’s costume without the logo.
Jimmy is 100% okay with marrying Ilona.
Note that this is exclusively because she’s rich and she’s hot.
So what’s the catch? Ilona is basically Space Lucy, except her ex-boyfriends are a##holes.
Well their mission is to humiliate Jimmy, so they can’t be THAT bad.
Come on, Jimmy has been through worse transformations, you’ll have to to better than GAAAHH!!!
KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!
(how the f##k is he talking with that tongue!?)
Turns out these aliens with complete disregard for human suffering are friends of Superman.
What a shocking surprise.
Also, while they are technically Ilona’s ex-boyfriends… they’re ALL Ilona’s husbands.
Definitely the plot of more than a dozen porno.
I won’t ask what Superman was doing on the polygamist planet or why he specifically knows all of Ilona’s husbands.
Since making Ilona jealous is basically impossible, Superman decides to trick her into believing that Jimmy is married to two old ladies.
AND IT WORKS.
So who were these old ladies? Lois Lane and Lana Lang, the latter confusingly shown as a blonde instead of a redhead.
Of course Jimmy won’t say anything to Lucy. And neither will anyone else, because these are all horrible people.
I want my “Jimmy is the scum of the Earth” Lucy Lane back.
And that’s the end!
Ten bucks he screws that date and she goes back to despising him.
Historical significance: 0/10
Shockingly, Polygamy Planet never shows up again.
Silver Age-ness: 9/10
It would’ve been even higher just for the randomness of the planet, but the way they toy with Jimmy’s transformations is worth quite a few points.
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
Unless you want to do an X-rated version of the story…
Stupid Jimmy Olsen moment
Not asking a single question to Ilona. Okay I get it, she’s hot and she’s rich so there aren’t that many downsides, but you’d think he’d ask SOMETHING before agreeing to leaving the planet!
Superpowers count: 27
Adding golden touch. WHICH HE NEVER USES after the only panel where he demonstrates the power!