LOIS LANE #42 (1963)
“The Girl Who Destroyed Atlantis!” – writer unknown, penciler Kurt Schaffenberger
“The Romance of Superbaby and Baby Lois!” – writer Leo Dorfman, penciler Kurt Schaffenberger
There’s no way the cover story can possibly have a good ending. Or a good start or a good middle.
But that will have to wait, because our first story is about Lois Lane destroying Atlantis!
We learned in Adventure Comics #333 that Atlantis was actually sunk by Star Boy, but that story will be published 2 years after this.
We begin with Lois Lane on a date with Lori Lemaris.
I know Lori is married, but this is already a more healthy relationship when compared to Superman.
Also, while I don’t want to give props to this story, at least Lois acknowledged that she learned how to speak Atlantean.
We have a bit of world-building for Atlantis: if they’re underwater, what do they use to make clothes? There’s a plant for that.
How do they get cancer? There’s a coral for that.
How do they time travel?
Apparently all it takes to activate the time belt is to have electric eels nearby. Does it mean that no Atlantean has ever tried to charge this thing!?
At first I wondered how could Lois know that she’s traveling BACK in time before it happens. But then I realized that she deals with time travel so often that it’s relatively plausible.
I find it funny that, despite knowing NOTHING about ancient Atlanteans, Lois decides that walking around in a swimsuit is out of the question.
Lois comes across a Clark Kent lookalike (*sigh*) who is warning people about a Lex Luthor lookalike (double *sigh*).
The Clark Kent equivalent is called Klar-Kan and the Luthor equivalent is called Roh-Tul, in case you needed this to be even lamer. I’m going to call them Not-Kent and Not-Luthor.
Lois gets arrested during a riot, where we learn that Not-Luthor brands all potential rebels.
That should raise more than one red flag, but Lois doesn’t notice because Not-Luthor is nice to her.
Not-Luthor is so great that he even invented moving sidewalks (what?), but I can’t be the only one who sees shades of Dr. Doom in his exaggerated humility.
But suddenly Not-Kent throws a torpedo at Not-Luthor! WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
There is NO indication that Not-Kent has super-strength, by the way, so this comes out of nowhere!
I would ask “how can Lois be so stupid to fall for this”, but she’s Silver Age Lois Lane so this was 100% predictable.
Five minutes later, thanks to the security cameras that Not-Luthor installed in his dungeon, Lois discovers that *gasp* the guy who has a dungeon is actually a bad guy!
I was certain that Not-Kent would put up a costume and become a hero, but no, he actually dies!
Now that Lois has discovered that Not-Luthor is a bad guy, she refuses to marry him.
That’s when Not-Luthor threatens to use his super-bomb to destroy Atlantis if she doesn’t marry him. Since it turned out that all the other super-inventions were created by someone else and Not-Luthor only took the credit, is this a fake bomb?
No, the bomb is real! And since Not-Luthor can’t marry Lois, he decides that life isn’t worth living.
And that’s how Atlantis sinks! Props to Shaffenberger for the depiction of the destruction: it’s very brief, but effective.
Less effective: both Lois and Not-Luthor surviving the bomb at point blank range.
Lois returns to the present, where she blames HERSELF for the destruction of Atlantis: all she had to do to save it was marry an insane tyrant!
(WTF!?!?)
I was expecting Lori to tell Lois “what the hell are you talking about, that wasn’t your fault”.
Which she kinda does, but… it makes almost the entire story pointless.
Okay, so the rebels detonated a bomb that set off Not-Luthor’s bomb, which destroyed Atlantis… and they’re supposed to be the good guys!?
EDIT: I never do this, but this is just too funny to ignore!
From the letters page of Adventure Comics #339:
This makes absolutely no sense if you read both stories. Which already make no sense if you read them independently!
And now to the cover story. And yes, both the cover and the recap panel both actually happen.
It begins with Lois getting proof that Superman is actually Clark Kent.
It begins with Lois getting proof that Superman is actually Clark Kent.
Then Lois gets into a car accident.
The kind that doesn’t injure you but causes a personality shift.
Although I don’t believe the doctor. I don’t see anything unusual here.
And Superman immediately agrees, in order to save his secret identity.
Looks like the beginning of a perfect marriage.
Except that on their wedding day Superman takes Lois to the Fortress of Solitude…
…where she sprays herself with a Rejuvenation Spray ™.
Again: nothing out of the ordinary for Lois.
The spray turns her into a teenager. Who looks almost exactly like adult Lois, but Shaffenberger manages to make it work as much as possible.
The spray was given to Superman by an extremely goofy-looking alien, and its effects last only one day.
Superman takes Lois to buy new “age appropriate” clothes (despite the fact that her adult clothes still fit her pretty well), and then they rush to get married with… rather predictable results.
I love how the judge immediately thinks that Superman is legitimately trying to marry a teenager and harshly judges him (pun intended).
Superman’s facial expression is priceless. Mostly because the coloring makes it look like he’s blushing.
Superman is a horrible person, but he forgot that Lois is one too!
Superman gets turned back into Superboy, and Lois insists that they should be married even when she keeps getting younger. SHE’S TWELVE NOW.
Except SUPERMAN CAN CURE THE BLIND.
(the guy is completely right, by the way: Lois was totally trying to take advantage of a blind man!)
Lois doesn’t give up. Apparently a ship captain can still perform a wedding ceremony between 12 year olds. (WTF!?)
The wedding is mercifully called off when “Superboy” creates a massive wave.
But apparently a judge can provide a license marriage for FOUR YEAR OLDS.
(WTF!?!?!)
AND EVERYONE IS OKAY WITH THAT. They even organize the wedding on the same day!!!
Except…
Just look at that little bastard smiling. You’re the worst at any age, Superman. THE. WORST.
But at least Lois is fine now because she’s on drugs.
On what drugs was Leo Dorfman when he wrote this story!?
Historical significance: 0/10
As a general rule, you can typically ignore everything about Atlantis in the Superman books because there’s no consistency whatsoever.
Silver Age-ness
First story: 8/10
If it wasn’t for the lookalikes it would be perfectly average, but this is just silly for no reason.
Second story: 10/10
I can grant the story that they explained why the spray affected Superman, but that doesn’t make it any less stupid.
Does it stand the test of time?
First story: 4/10
There’s a seed of a good story, very very deep. Just make the tyrant anyone but a Luthor lookalike, make at least an attempt to make readers think that he’s not actually bad, and write a better finale.
Second story: 0/10
Saved from a negative score ONLY because there was an explanation for Lois blatantly blackmailing Superman. Although the fact that so many people were willing to go ahead with the baby wedding makes my skin crawl.
Stupid Lois Lane moment
First story: this guy who sends troops to stop a peaceful protest and brands his people based on whether they inconvenience him is totally a good guy!
Second story: way too many to count, but since Lois is apparently brain damaged during the entire story… even more than usual… I’ll give her a pass.