JIMMY OLSEN 73 (1963)
Writer unknown, penciler John Forte
I’m sure this will end well.
It’s a typical day for Jimmy Olsen: he’s out for lunch and an alien ship almost crashes his car.
It turns out that Jimmy has fans in space. Well, I don’t see why there couldn’t be aliens who enjoy horror movies.
When encountering an alien device that glows, Jimmy’s first instinct is to touch it. Because of course it is.
Since this device is used to analyze minerals, if you touch it you get a Midas touch.
Sounds legit.
At least they give him gloves that block his power.
So… now that Jimmy can turn anything into gold, how is he going to use his power?
To get a raise.
You might think that this is just revenge for Jimmy, who plans to get rich with his new power.
But no, Jimmy intends to keep working for the Daily Planet.
It doesn’t take long before people start taking advantage of Jimmy.
More than they usually do, I mean.
At least the consequences are somewhat realistic this time!
Lucy doesn’t get her golden sports car, but Jimmy makes up for it by turning her plane into gold!
I understand this causes a diplomatic incident, but…
A) Why is this Lucy’s fault?
B) Is ANYONE interested in the fact that there’s a guy who can turn anything into gold!
I get that this is the Silver Age, but everyone is waaaay too chill about the existence of this power!
By now you’re wondering, “where’s the catch”?
Well, obviously these were not aliens but evil Atlanteans with a needlessly convoluted plan!
And what do they want from Jimmy? A sample of White Kryptonite, which is deadly to all forms of plant.
Wait a second… Superman just let him keep that stuff around!?
White Kryptonite is a biological disaster just waiting to happen! And you gave that stuff to JIMMY OLSEN!?
The “aliens” then ask Jimmy to call Supergirl (Superman is off into space at the moment), and once she arrives they transmute White Kryptonite into Gold Kryptonite!
Wait wait wait. Why doesn’t it change into gold, like ANYTHING ELSE that Jimmy touched, but instead turns into Gold Kryptonite!?!?
This guy is Vostar, evil scientist from Atlantis. And he needed to give Jimmy the golden touch instead of changing Kryptonite into Golden Kryptonite by himself because… I’ve got nothing.
You would think that Supergirl losing her powers permanently would be cause for drama, but we’re already at the last page so…
Yes, in the fastest case of “we ran out of space so we must close this quickly”, it turns out that Superman exposed the Atlantean criminals immediately and swapped White Kryptonite with regular stone.
So… that was extremely pointless. And why did they let Volstar escape!?!?
Moving to the second story: Jimmy buys an engagement ring for Lucy, and he plans to give it to her once he’s done sculpting her statue.
Wait, what?
Jimmy Olsen is a sculptor? THAT Jimmy Olsen?
I tend to side with Lucy simply because she’s typically the one beating up Jimmy, which is always a valuable trait, but this time it’s hard not to sympathize!
Anyway, Jimmy loves Lucy so much that he gives the engagement ring to the statue. (???)
And it turns out that this is actually Rona, a beautiful woman from the 7th dimension.
So basically, in the Superman books:
-The 4th dimension is a place that turns people invisible and intangible
-The 5th dimension is where Mr. Mxyzptlk lives
-The 7th dimension is where bombshells teleport into statues
Sounds legit, though I’m afraid to ask about the 6th dimension.
Other facts about people from 7th dimension: their preferred way to travel is to teleport inside blocks of marble that are sent into space…
…and have tremendous mental powers, capable of willing steroids into existence.
And of course Lucy doesn’t believe Jimmy’s story. Because nothing weird ever happens to him, right?
Time for some fanservice, 1963 style!
However, since ONE “big producer” doesn’t recognize Rona, she must really be from another dimension. (WTF?)
I wasn’t kidding about steroids, earlier.
Let’s NEVER discuss “Jimmy Olsen’s manhood” again, okay?
Jimmy can never waste an occasion to be a horrible human being: he’s not interested in Rona in the slightest; all he cares about is making Lucy jealous.
This is big news in Metropolis. I understand that the existence of alien life is nothing for these people, with all the aliens running and flying around, but…
“Jimmy Olsen to wed girl from 7th dimension”? That’s your best title?
Not “Girl from 7th dimension weds local boy”?
Not even “7th dimension discovered”?
Sure, Jimmy, you’re not doing this EXCLUSIVELY to gloat. And I have a bridge in Metropolis to sell you.
Pointless cameo from Ultra Boy of the Legion of Super-Heroes.
As a reminder: since he’s from the future, he knows how this story is going to end.
And we’re already at the wedding, where Jimmy has to drink from a cup.
Okay, time for the plot twist. Let’s see, what could it possibly be?
A) it’s a dream
B) she’s actually ugly
C) she’s actually a robot
D) she’s a serial killer
E) it’s a trick by Superman
Place your bets! Which one is it this time?
Whoever bet on “she’s a serial killer” just won!
They mark murderers buy making the lower part of the tongue blue on the account that it’s a very stupid idea, but also they missed the opportunity to call her “bluetongue” instead of “female Bluebeard”.
At least the concept of the Stone Zone is sufficiently messed up to be interesting.
Now I’m sad that we never saw Rona again. We need more interdimensional serial killers!
If they also want to murder Jimmy Olsen, that’s a plus.
Okay, she’s a murderer, but Jimmy lies about everything that happened and pretends like he acted like a good person while he was only marrying Rona for purely selfish reasons, so who’s the worst person here?
Also: according to history Jimmy left Rona at the altar, but the Legion of Super-Heroes still send a present by time travel.
Historical significance: 0/10
Jokes aside, it’s really a pity that Rona never appeared again. I think she really did have potential.
Silver Age-ness: 7/10
Golden Kryptonite and random interdimensional teleportation, anyone?
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
It’s a rare sight to see Jimmy learn any kind of lesson in his series. This time he goes the extra mile: not only he doesn’t learn anything, he’s not even the reason why the bad guy’s plan fails.
Stupid Jimmy Olsen moment
First story: despite having the power to create wealth just by touching anything, Jimmy’s first plan to get rich is to bribe Perry with gold… to get a raise in his paycheck.
Second story: I won’t blame Jimmy for believing Rona’s story, since it’s exactly the kind of random stuff that happens to him. However this is like the fourth time an alien beauty tries to marry him only to end up having ulterior motives, so not being suspicious is really really stupid.
Superpowers count: 31
Jimmy already had a golden touch in Jimmy Olsen #59 , so nothing changes.