JIMMY OLSEN 117 (1969)
by Otto Binder & Pete Costanza
cover by Curt Swan & Neal Adams
With the “Planet of the Apes” movie being a success in 1968, it made sense to try a tie-in concept.
There was certainly no shortage of apes at DC, so it baffles me that in 1969 we got “Planet of the Capes” instead.
We begin with WHAT IS THAT!?
NEVER DO THAT FACE AGAIN, JIMMY!
If you think that my idea that the story took inspiration from 1968’s “Planet of the Apes”… it’s also ripping off 1968’s “2001: A Space Odissey”.
In present day, the Legally Distinct Monolith is discovered by Jimmy Olsen and Professor Lang (a.k.a. Lana Lang’s archeologist father).
Despite pointing out that this is an alien language based on mathematics… the archeologist translates it.
Sounds legit.
And naturally Butterfingers Olsen drops something that leads him to get lost into the alien portal.
But don’t worry about Jimmy, he’s just lost on a planet where everyone wears a cape.
You think I’m joking? It’s illegal NOT to wear a cape on this planet!
I get the distinct feeling that this comic is trying to be deep. It fails spectacularly, sure, but it’s TRYING.
Then Jimmy is sold as a slave for 95 cents.
I could joke about this, but… nah, too easy.
Another peculiarity of the Planet of the Capes: all their clothes are unbelievably uncomfortable.
You know, whenever I see a 60s comic calling someone a swinger, I usually make a joke about the modern use of the word.
In this case, though, I don’t think it’s necessary.
Also this alternate reality Clark Kent is a unicorn-hunting criminal. (WTF!?)
Or he’s actually Batman. (double WTF!?)
Jimmy is just too much trouble for Clark, so he sells him to Perry White… for 85 cents.
Look… I’ve reviewed about 130 Legion stories in the retrospective and even I would not recognize most of these capes!!!
Also: how does Perry own all the capes from people who live in the future!?
Okay at this point you’re just making up random stuff that has nothing to do with capes.
Jimmy then helps Perry recover Batman’s cape… which he uses to play matador with a gazelle… which on this planet acts like a bull.
Pretty sure we’re taking words out of a hat to come up with the difference between Earths now.
(bulls don’t really charge at the color red, by the way, but there’s already enough stupid to cover)
Believe it or not, this is a plot point!
Jimmy is put on sale AGAIN, this time being purchased by… Caped Jimmy Olsen.
See what I meant about taking words out of a hat for story purposes?
Caped Jimmy might be as dumb as regular Jimmy. He wants to use his counterpart as a stunt double… for a stunt that is completely harmless.
I’m starting to think this whole “wearing a cape makes you a member of the ruling class” wasn’t exactly a well-thought idea.
Jimmy tracks down the mysterious Dr.X, inventor of Perry’s ray and the one who produces all the capes of this world.
AND IT’S JOR-EL.
Is the fact that Jor-El is behind everything the dumbest idea of this comic?
Or is it that for absolutely no reason Kryptonians in this dimension don’t get powers on Earth?
Perhaps the fact that his wife randomly died?
Nope! It’s the fact that Jor-El lived in a hut because NOBODY BELIEVED HE WAS SMART.
But wait, IT GETS DUMBER!!!
Turns out that one day Superman and Batman decided to take a tour of the universe with the Legion of Super-Heroes (BUT WHY!?!?) and ended up in another universe. SOMEHOW.
But wait, IT GETS EVEN DUMBER!!!
Jor-El thinks these are invaders, so he tries to banish them to another dimension… only to use a duplicator ray by mistake and inventing clothing!
Jor-El, ladies and gentlemen! Smart enough to create a duplicator ray but TOO STUPID TO INVENT CLOTHING.
Evil enough to invent capitalism, though.
And FREAKING SLAVERY!!!
Think I’m exaggerating the whole “Jor-El is evil” thing?
And that’s the end: Jimmy goes back to his own universe and Superman finds the idea that his father created slavery in another universe MILDLY AMUSING.
Any Superman worthy of the name would IMMEDIATELY travel to that other universe to stop the whole slavery thing… but remember: Silver Age Superman. Is. THE. WORST.
Historical significance: 0/10
Sadly we didn’t see a panel during “Crisis of Infinite Earths” to acknowledge this Earth’s destruction.
Silver Age-ness: 3∞/10
We have a new champion! This one even beats the legendarily insane Lois Lane #79.
That one had a completely bonkers alternate universe… but it was all a dream.
The Planet of the Capes actually exists within the story! Not only that, but…
A) the way Jimmy ends there has nothing to do with the rest of the story and is ignored for future stories
B) things on that planet just kind of happen for no reason, in true Silver Age fashion
C) Jor-El’s story MAKES NO SENSE
D) how does NOBODY figure out that the solution to any of the slaves’ problems is to wear a cape!? I know they say all clothes are made of metal (BUT WHY!?), but you mean to tell me that sheets are not made of cloth in this univers!?
Any one of these would be enough to go way beyond a 10/10!!!
Does it stand the test of time? -5/10
In addition to being one of the most monumentally stupid stories I’ve ever read: why doesn’t Superman care about a duplicate of his father creating slavery!?!?
Stupid Jimmy Olsen moment
It takes Jimmy ten pages, and three slave auctions, before he figures out that the solution to any of his problems is to wear a cape.
Interesting letters: always refreshing to find out that most people didn’t talk like that.
