LOIS LANE #91 (1969)
by unknown & Curt Swan
Cover by Neal Adams
Another issue where the writer is unknown. And it’s an imaginary story, so you know this is going to be crazier than usual.
I’m not usually a fan of imaginary stories but I’m not gonna lie, starting with the fact that Superman is dead is one heck of a way to get me curious.
The “woman in black” is almost killed by some gangsters who want to desecrate Superman’s tomb, but she’s saved by Superlass.
So, to recap:
1) Superman is dead
2) He had a child with Lois
3) Lois is blind
Why is she blind? Well, as we see in a flashback it all began when Superman was trying to stop some criminals…
…and Lois took a shot for Superman!!!
Mind you, that’s not a Kryptonite weapon. It’s just a ray gun stolen from “the Argus Lab”… Lois couldn’t possibly know if that would actually hurt Superman!
God bless Curt Swan… he’s AMAZING in this.
There’s also some interesting tension since we initially see the action from her point of view.
Well, at least metaphorically speaking.
And that’s when Superman decided to marry her!!!
Apparently the way to demonstrate that he’s not marrying her out of pity is to make a wedding ring using the gun. (WTF!?)
Even when it’s clear that her blindness can’t be cured, Superman reassures her that he still loves her. No wonder this is an imaginary story, he’s not being awful!
Aaaaaand there’s the Silver Age Superman I know.
The solution is to marry her as Clark Kent. The fact that this possibility NEVER occurs to him as a solution in the regular pre-Crisis continuity is pretty telling, isn’t it?
Also Superman doesn’t really seem all that enthusiastic about his first child being *choke* a girl!
Then we jump straight to Superman’s death… rescuing a ship full of KRYPTONITE NUCLEAR WARHEADS.
Also: calling your ship “Atlantis” is just asking for trouble, guys!!!
Now that we’ve caught up to the present day, it’s time to introduce the other character from the cover… who doesn’t actually get a name, so considering the cover I’ll refer to him as “the Beast”.
The two begin a rather awkward relationship.
He also protects her home from some random criminals, demonstrating super-strenght.
If you’ve ever read one comic book in your life you probably know who the Beast really is.
The fact that the Beast is constantly comparing Lois to a little girl is seriously creeping me out.
Then SUDDEN ALIENS!!!
Conveniently, these aliens have a Cosmic-Ray Oculizer ™ that is JUST what Superlass needs!
Lois is so obsessed with Superman that she can’t even compliment her daughter without turning it into a praise for him.
So of course:
To be fair to Lois, she TRIES not to be awful about this.
Like I said, she tries.
And that’s enough to convince the Beast to leave Earth forever!
Surprising ABSOLUTELY NOBODY EVER, the Beast is actually a mutated Superman.
Superman still has 100% of his powers, but he just faked his death because he’s ugly now!
Well at least Earth still has Superlass, right? Nope! She leaves Earth as well!
Jesus Christ is this comic depressing…
Ladies and gentlemen, we finally found a Superman that is EVEN WORSE than the Silver Age one.
Historical significance: 0/10
I’ve been wrong before, but I’m fairly certain that we never visit this reality again.
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
An imaginary story with red Kryptonite and aliens randomly providing the cure for blindness.
Does it stand the test of time? -50/10
As of now, tied with Lois Lane #50 as the lowest score ever in this category. This was just AWFUL. Superman faking his death just because he’s ugly? Not only he’s abdicating his duties as a super-hero, he’s condemning Lois and Superlass to enormous emotional trauma! This is BY FAR the most selfish portrayal of Superman I’ve ever seen!!!
The only saving grace is a particularly inspired Curt Swan, but the fact that his art was wasted on this actually makes things even worse.
Stupid Lois Lane moment
Why would your first instinct at seeing someone pointing a gun at Superman would be to take a bullet for him!?
The unanswered question, for me, is “WHY would anyone build nukes with Kryptonite in them, if they weren’t intended to be used against Superman?” There’s no evidence anywhere that Kryptonite is fissionable, so you wouldn’t make a warhead out of it; you might salt a conventional nuke with Kryptonite, but again, only if you intended to kill Superman with it.
The writer’s identity? Hmm. The story doesn’t seem to have Kanigher’s writing tics in it, and it seems too insane for even him. I’d guess Dorfman, or maybe Bob Haney?
Yeah, this tale is certainly a downer. That’s why it needs a 2nd part! Why DC doesn’t just make canon that “imaginary” equals multiverse is silly. You may have your cake and eat it too. Also opens the door to some wild cross-overs. A revisit that finds Lisa Kent rescuing her Superdad and restoring him would be a nice launch for a tales of the multiverse series. I M.H.O.