WHAT IF? vol.2 #114 (1998)
by Jay Faerber & Gregg Schigiel
The last 90s issue of What If (both for this series and for the retrospective) takes an interesting premise: what if the heroes never left the Secret Wars planet?
Obviously heroes and villains couldn’t keep fighting for years, so eventually they formed a truce and everybody started popping out babies.
From a writer’s perspective it’s an interesting challenge. You have a finite set of people, so choosing who is still alive and who has had kids leads to a weird conclusions.
Right off the bat there are two decisions that impact the setting: there is no mention whatsoever of the sections of Denver and of Zsaji’s alien planet that got transported to Battleworld.
Makes sense, if you want to push the narrative that heroes and villains are completely isolated.
It also makes sense to have Reed Richards die, since he was the one to find a way home. And I understand killing off some people, seemingly at random, so that it’s not THAT obvious.
Then you have weirdness like Professor X wearing the Iron Man armor. (????)
Spider-Man’s personality has been completely taken over by the symbiote. He doesn’t go full Venom, but he’s pretty close.
By far the most fascinating part of the setting is the couples that have been formed. Some look completely random, and sometimes they are, but upon closer inspection a lot are well-thought.
For example it might be weird that Rogue has a kid with Captain America… but she goes by “Carol”, implying that she has the personality of Carol Danvers (makes sense for this period), which makes it more believable.
Just for the hell of it, let’s have a look at this “new generation”, okay?
One of my pet peeves is when a character has exactly the same powers of the parent, and ESPECIALLY if it’s just a combination of the powers of both parents, so that’s going to affect my judgement. A LOT.
- Balder Blake, “Bravado”. Son of Thor and Enchantress. Boring design, lame civilian name, and the second worst codename.
- Clint Barton Junior, “Mustang”. Son of Hawkeye and She-Hulk. Same abilities of his father and the strength of his mother. Laziest real name and absolutely nonsensical codename. The only redeeming thing is that I totally buy his parents getting together.
- Kendall Logan, “Torrent”. Daughter of Wolverine and Storm. No clue whatsoever how she gets her first name. I hate that she has the power of both parents, even if those two are a believable couple. There’s a panel of Storm carrying a second baby, so she might be the only one to have a full sibling.
- Sarah Rogers, “Crusader”. Daughter of Captain America and Rogue. Kind of random codename, props for having the name of Cap’s mother. Flight and super-strength from her mother, which I don’t like, but she doesn’t absorb powers like Rogue, so she gets a pass.
- Matthew Storm, “Firefly”. Son of the Human Torch and Wasp. Weird mix of powers: he shrinks and gains wings like his mother, but he doesn’t get ALL the powers of his father. Poor dolt didn’t win the superpower lottery.
The heroes are not the only ones to have kids, and Enchantress didn’t just have a son with Thor.
She also had a kid with Doctor Doom, Vincent Von Doom (Bill Mantlo and Steve Englehart must be glad) with the codename Malefactor. A little on the nose.
And yes, if you didn’t catch it, Doctor Doom turned ULTRON into a babysitter.
Vincent decides that it’s time to end the peace and conquer this planet. Which I remind you has a population of less than two dozen people.
I like Vincent. He’s a bit of a tryhard drama queen, but what did you expect from a teenage Doom?
Victor recruits some of the villains’ kids for his little army, and they’re much lamer than the heroes’ kids.
- Trudy Creel, “Chokehold”. Daughter of Absorbing Man and Titania. Her parents make 100% sense and I’m glad she doesn’t seem to have taken her father’s looks… but she has the powers of both parents, which once again is lame.
- Tucker Reece, “Moleculon”. Son of Molecule Man and Volcana. One of the few to get powers only from one parent (guess which one), but he couldn’t possibly have a worse codename!
And THOSE TWO were the most well-thought, other than Vincent, because we have a couple of weirdos.
- Teddy Garthwaite, “Raze”. Son of the Wrecker and unknown mother. He doesn’t get to do ANYTHING.
- Gator, son of the Lizard. Doesn’t get a real name, even though he’s technically the son of Curt Connors and yet another unknown mother!
- Becky. No clue about her parents and only gets one scene.
I’m at a loss about who are the mothers of these three randos, since there aren’t a lot of women on this planet. There is no mention about these three kids being brothers and sisters of the others and given the plot it would’ve come up at some point.
The only other options are Captain Marvel (Monica Rambeau) and Spider-Woman, both of which are dead when the story begins. Monica can’t be the mother of Raze or Becky for obvious reasons; would she have a kid with Curt Connors? Talk about a random couple!
Spider-Woman could’ve been the mother of Becky, especially since her hair is sometimes colored the same way. But who could be the father? She doesn’t seem to have powers, so we have no clues; the only people without powers other than Hawkeye were Rhodey (but Becky doesn’t seem biracial) and Doctor Octopus (ewww).
Spider-Woman would work as Raze’s mother, if not for the fact that I doubt she would have a kid with the Wrecker if he was the last man on the planet (and he was already pretty close!).
But enough about which hero would sleep with which villain, let’s move to the plot.
Vincent tries to recruit his half-brother, and this is why I don’t think there are any more half-siblings we’re not explicitly told.
Bravado (ugh, I hate that codename!) recruits his friends to assault Doom’s newest castle to stop Vincent.
I have to say, even if I don’t like the concept in principle, the idea of someone with both Storm and Wolverine’s powers is terrifying.
Unsurprisingly, the real heroes are totally unprepared to attack Castle Doom.
The older generation comes to the rescue, and it’s a quite unusual sight to behold.
During the battle we see that Spider-Man is completely gone. Also, blink and you’ll miss it but Rogue is in full Miss Marvel costume, so my theory about the Carol Danvers personality taking over seems plausible.
The Hulk shows up out of nowhere. He disappeared into the desert for so long that the kids considered him to be a myth.
And in an interesting twist, Thor’s kid is not the one proving to be worthy of the hammer.
Try not to be shocked, but Doctor Doom *gasp* is actually still alive!
I can’t think of another occasion when Thor, and not Captain America, was the voice of reason.
“Crusader” is a bit of a Mary Sue, but she probably would’ve been the breakout character if the story got the sequel it wanted to have.
The Hulk had Banner’s mind during Secret Wars, so the fact that he came back means everyone can return to Earth now.
But once he builds a device that will use Thor’s hammer to open a portal, the Watcher shows up… and the heroes decide that maybe it’s better to take their time to figure out why.
But remember that we’re following a bunch of teenagers.
Good news: they make it back to Earth and can see the stars again! There were none on Battleworld since the Beyonder completely destroyed its galaxy.
Bad news: Earth has been taken over by the Sentinels.
Worst news: the series is over and the story never got a sequel, so this cliffhanger is all that remains.
These five against a planet of Sentinels? Unless they managed to bring back their parents, I really don’t think they survive.
Did any of this show up in continuity?
The kids have a cameo in Avengers Infinity, but then again EVERYONE has a cameo in Avengers Infinity. I’m fairly sure Thor has had kids with Enchantress in a couple of alternate timelines, but that’s about it. Too bad Rogue didn’t have a kid with the Human Torch: they’ve had a brief relationship a few years ago, so it could’ve been SOMETHING.
Silver Age-ness: 0/10
Not really.
Does it stand the test of time? 6/10
This is a quick and enjoyable read. It’s more of a sales pitch than an actual story, but it does have potential. Its worst sin, other than a few misses with the kids (seriously, where are the mothers!?) is the story is not set in the most interesting moment of these people’s lives!
I would read the hell of a story that deals with what happens immediately after the peace starts and how it’s maintained, but I couldn’t care less about Vincent’s plan. And I even like Vincent as a villain!
A sequel would’ve been nice, but “the Sentinels have taken over” storylines have been done to death.