THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD 135 (1977)
by Bob Haney & Jim Aparo
We’re approaching the final stretch of the Metal Men retrospective: this is the next-to-last team-up happening while their series was still being published.
We begin with Bruce Wayne overseeing the retrieval of a time capsule with Ruby Ryder, a ruthless businesswoman who has been giving him a lot of trouble lately.
You can tell she’s a villainess because she smokes and wears a cape.
I like Ruby because of her utter distaste of the Metal Men. Bruce Wayne likes her because she’s hot.
Yes, for some inexplicable reason the Metal Men are helping Bruce Wayne carry out the excavation and discover… Quasimodo!?
Yep. A bunch of shapeshifting robots have unearthed the super-strong deformed son of a millionaire from a hundred years ago, and it’s only PAGE THREE.
Correction: there are MULTIPLE super-strong deformed sons of a millionaire from a hundred years ago. ROBOTIC super-strong deformed sons of a millionaire from a hundred years ago.
And it’s STILL JUST PAGE THREE.
You know the drill: both the Metal Men AND Batman are completely useless.
One of the Quasimodos kidnaps Ruby, while the other is brought by Batman to Doc Magnus (who by this time was back to his regular almost-sanity).
It’s an interesting, if really far-fetched, mystery: who planted a FAKE Frankenstein Monster next to the real deal?
Aaaand this model ALSO kicks everyone’s butts. Geez, I didn’t see THAT coming.
The world’s greatest detective, ladies and gentlemen.
Batman’s investigation leads him to discover that Ruby has not exactly been kidnapped against her will.
Aww, they seem to be a great couple!
And here I thought Batman got over his discrimination against robots. He’s still robophobic!
If THIS Batman was in the Marvel Universe, you bet he’d object to the Scarlet Witch being with Vision.
Legally-Not-Quasimodo spots Batman and Tin spying on him… and Tin doesn’t have the same brand recognition so he’s the one who gets brutally assaulted.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, is when the story goes BONKERS.
A story that, again, featured multiple robotic super-strong deformed sons of a millionaire from a hundred years ago ON PAGE THREE.
Oh yes. Ruby is trying to convince a judge to legally declare the robot to be a real person.
AND IT WORKS!!!!
Next week, on “Law & Order: Bats##t Crazy Stuff”…
This is ALMOST as absurd as a Kanigher plot!!! WTF is going on!?!?!
When even Commissioner Gordon goes “I’m too old for this crap”, you KNOW things are insane!!!
And hey, Tin’s dead. Haven’t had a Metal Man death in AGES.
Wait wait wait… if Batman accuses the automaton of murder it means that Tin must be recognized to be alive, yes, but… then it would mean he would be charged for the crime… and apparently that’s a bad thing? What!?
Okay, I officially give up making sense of this story.
Oh my God, you’re figuring this out NOW? On page SIXTEEN!? And not WHEN SHE WAS MAKING OUT WITH HIM!?!?
And so the story ends with Ruby taking control of Wayne Enterprises because they are legally owned by the robotic super-strong deformed sons of a millionaire from a hundred years ago.
The story continues in the following issue, but I can only take so much stupid in a single shot.
Metal Men significance: 0/10
Once again they are BARELY in it. Doubly insulting because it’s a story about robot rights!!!
Silver Age-ness: 1,000/10
COME ON!!!
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
Crap. Ruby does have a lot of charisma, but this stuff makes absolutely no sense. The Metal Men are completely wasted, Batman is kind of an idiot, and in case I haven’t mentioned it yet, this makes NO SENSE.
Should this have been part of the main series?
As part of the relaunch? Eh, I’ll take this over Doctor StrangeGlove any day… and it would’ve fit perfectly with Kanigher’s insanity.
Times Nameless has died: 5
Times Platinum has died: 20
Times Mercury has died: 21
Times Gold has died: 22
Times Iron has died: 26
Times Tin has died: 27
Times Lead has died: 28