Dazzler #6 (1981)
by Tom DeFalco (story), Danny Fingeroth (script) & Frank Springer
cover by Bob Layton
What do you think about guest-starring on this series, Hulk?
We are introduced to the Dazzler backup band (which doesn’t even get a name).
There’s Generic Moustache Man, Generic Blond Guy, and of course Fat Guy.
You see it’s funny because he’s fat.
Truly the pinnacle of comedy. Freaking Kanigher’s Lois Lane was more subtle than this… and THAT series had a character called Marsha Mallow!!!!
Also, apparently Lancelot Steele (a name that is even stupider than Marsha Mallow, SOMEHOW) is not only a security guard that reads Shakespeare, but also a music expert?
Sounds legit.
At least Dazzler gets a new job… as a country singer. That’s ONE clue about what kind of music she usually plays: she’s not a country singer. Only another hundred of musical genres left.
Dazzler even gets to do SOME superhero stuff, just by walking home and running into some over-the-top gang members!
She’s powerless without her skates (???), but luckily for her she can absorb the sound from a nearby train and GO FOR IT!
And of course the civilians she just saved turn out to be a-holes.
Racism aside, I’m not sure people would gang up this easily against someone they just saw shoot lasers, but what do I know.
Dazzler and her unnamed band then go to the university where they’re supposed to be playing, and what do you know, Bruce Banner is there!
Supposedly one of the smartest people on the planet, ladies and gentlemen.
We have seen so far that Lancelot Steele is bad at being a security guard AND at judging musical talent (he criticizes Dazzler but everyone else loves her music).
What else does he suck at? Apparently everything, since he decides the best person to recruit to help the concert… is a random stranger he just saw run outside the building and eating pills like they were candy.
Is it because he has a heart of gold and just wants to help a fellow human being?
Nope! He’s just a greedy a-hole.
Dazzler later runs into Bruce Banner and offers a chance to hear her performance.
After all, her singing hasn’t killed anyone!
Yet.
Behold: Dazzler’s country music!!!
Admittedly I’m not a fan of country music, but I get the feeling it’s supposed to be cringe.
The public absolutely loves it, though!
But let’s be honest. This is a crowd of half-drunk college students watching a hot chick in a skintight costume. I don’t think they give a crap about her music.
Meanwhile Bruce Banner infiltrates the campus, and of course f##ks it up.
This interrupts Dazzler’s spine-breaking performance (seriously, my back hurts just by looking at her)…
…and HULK SMASH STAGE!!!
Now you might be wondering: how does the Hulk get into a fight with Dazzler?
Maybe she accidentally shoots her lasers at him? Maybe she tries to stop him from hurting someone?
Nope! The Hulk is mad at Dazzler… because SHE’S WEARING A HAT. And that means she’s a sheriff!!!
One of the things I legitimately miss from the Hulk Smash days are his nicknames for superheroes. They’re often hilarious and I was waiting to see how he would call Dazzler!
And it’s just… Silver Lady.
Not something fun like, I don’t know, Skates Girl or Music Woman. Heck, even Blue Face with her makeup would’ve been funny. But nope… Silver Lady.
There’s also the little problem that the Hulk is WAY out of Dazzler’s league, so what can she even do to him?
Pull a new power out of nowhere and suddenly create holograms!!!
This does exactly 1) jack and 2) s##t.
And then the Hulk is taken down by Dazzler’s music equipment!!! How loud are her concerts if she needs enough electricity to stun THE HULK!?
Yes, Dazzler, you have definitely killed the monster that routinely goes against half of the US military without a scratch. Sure.
Well at least Dazzler didn’t really hurt the Hulk, she just delayed him enough to allow the civilians to flee.
I mean how embarrassing would it be if this fight took two issues to resolve?
Dazzler #7 (1981)
by Tom DeFalco (story), Danny Fingeroth (script) & Frank Springer
Guts? Sure, I’ll give you that. But does she have brains?
You know who doesn’t have guts OR brains? Lancelot Steele.
I begrudgingly admit that was pretty funny.
Almost as much as Dazzler informing us that the Hulk tearing through the place is not hurting anyone.
I can’t believe people won’t immediately make the connection about Dazzler being a superhero.
Once again, Dazzler’s greatest asset turns out to be great at roller-skating. As well as BREAKING ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS.
At least Hulk switches from calling her Silver Lady to Shiny Woman. That’s marginally better.
And then the Army shows up!!!
What is it with people continuously thinking the Hulk is just a legend!?!? I would understand if this was the early 60s, but COME ON!!!
We interrupt this Hulk fight to remind you that the guy playing in Dazzler’s band is fat.
The Hulk vs the Army, take #1,787.
This SHOULD be when Dazzler tags out and wait for the Avengers or something, right?
But she is moved by him liking animals, and realizes that maybe being harassed after saving people is the same thing as being feared after demolishing a building.
That’s enough to convince Dazzler to GO FOR IT! in his defense.
Dazzler really can’t catch a break. Also we’re back to Silver Lady.
Hulk not like when people call him gentle! Hulk too insecure about his masculinity!
And then Dazzler TURNS THE HULK INTO BANNER!!!
Why isn’t she on speed dial from every single superhero team after this!? Forget that she’s awful at being a hero, she can calm the Hulk with no effort!!!
Dazzler then lets Bruce Banner escape. And she’s famous enough that he recognizes her, something incredible considering Bruce doesn’t really get around.
Jokes aside, she’s pretty great at handling this: she gives him clothes, escorts him away from the campus, and even gives him money despite being broke.
And so we close the story with a reminder that Dazzler is still in the middle of a love triangle with Dr. McDreamy and Nurse Insufferable.
Well… that was absurd. Can we try putting Dazzler against someone SLIGHTLY in her weight class!?
I’ll leave the commentary to our esteemed guest-star.
Dazzler significance: 0/10
HULK CANNOT REMEMBER IF HE MET SILVER LADY AGAIN. HULK PREFERS CLASSICAL MUSIC ANYWAY.
Silver Age-ness: 6/10
HULK IS NOT CONVINCED SILVER LADY SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE ILLUSIONS OR TURN HULK INTO PUNY BANNER OR THAT PHYSICS WORK THAT WAY. AND HULK HAS PhD IN PHYSICS.
Does it stand the test of time? 4/10
HULK LIKES WHEN SILVER LADY MAKES PRETTY LIGHTS. SILVER LADY SAVING PUNY HUMANS WHO ATTACK HER WAS GOOD. PLOT WAS BAD. HULK WANTED TO APPEAR IN SILVER LADY’S BOOK TO SING BUT HULK WAS NOT ALLOWED TO SING. HULK TALKS TO HIS AGENT ABOUT THIS. LOSE HULK’S NUMBER.
GO FOR IT!: 8
Obligatory underwear shot: 2
Thank you so much for this. It is the funniest article I’ve read all year 😹. I actually remember buying these issues as a four year old (in love with the Hulk) while visiting a 7/11 with my mom down the street from my preschool. I remember the Hulk being used in the earlier ’80’s as a way to market newer titles to his comic book’s large fan base. That’s how I found out about Alpha Flight a few years after these issues were published.
A pleasure! It goes to show that even bad comics… and let’s be real, this two-part is not exactly great… can have very positive effects on readers.