Secret Wars II #2 (1985)
by Jim Shooter & Al Milgrom
This is simultaneously the dumbest AND the smartest issue of the series. If the rest followed this one in terms of tone, I would argue it would’ve made a lasting impression.
We begin with the Beyonder, having taken a form identical to Captain America’s body, pondering on his experience.
This is by far the best thing Jim Shooter writes during the entire miniseries. It’s a bit verbose, but it gets you into the very alien mind of the Beyonder in an interesting way.
It’s the little things that sell this moment for me. For example, the Beyonder appeared on top of the World Trade Center, and when he steps out of it he gets to experience the sense of self-preservation he inherited when he copied a human body.
I vastly prefer this version of the Beyonder to the goofy klutz he’ll become. This child-like amazement at the most mundane things is fascinating, coming from a near-omnipotent being.
For example, the Beyonder’s confusion towards clothing is a recurring theme in this story.
Although to really sell this he really should’ve been naked. There’s absolutely no reason for him to be wearing that white bodysuit… Captain America wasn’t wearing it when he copied his body, and the Beyonder BARELY understands what clothing IS at this point.
Another subtle moment: the Beyonder discovering he’s straight.
The Beyonder decides to experiment human experiences, like eating. He might need a little practice.
One of the reasons why this is working for me is that Shooter is not constantly shouting exposition for what’s going on. The fact that the Beyonder just ate glass isn’t followed by something like a thought bubble saying “Now I’m eating glass, which is bad for me and I’ll have to heal myself”. He just lets the Beyonder say the same thing in a more alien, matter-of-fact way.
And now we move to one of the most frustrating parts of Secret Wars II… how interconnected it can be to other series.
Unlike the first Secret Wars, which did its own thing and didn’t need other books to explain what was going on, Secret Wars II has several plot points that make any sense ONLY if you read the tie-ins. That way of doing a crossover was essentially invented by Secret Wars II and it’s probably one of the reasons why it’s not a well-remembered event… I’ve never met a single comic book fan that likes THIS way of doing a crossover.
Specifically, the plot point is from Fantastic Four, where a new Hate Monger (completely unrelated to the one who is literally Hitler) is working with Pycho-Man to turn New York City into a hellscape of angry people.
Insert your own joke against newyorkers here.
To be fair to Secret Wars II, technically speaking everything you need to know from Fantastic Four is repeated in this story… including stuff that has no impact whatsoever on the Beyonder’s story, like Hate Monger transforming into a copy of Reed Richards or Psycho-Man mind-controlling his wife into becoming Malice.
With the city in a riot, the Beyonder takes the opportunity to get inside a clothing store.
I unironically love the Beyonder’s questions about the “why” of everything.
Then the Beyonder decides to ask these questions and more to Peter Parker of all people!!!
It’s not entirely random: the Beyonder specifically goes to him because he remembers him from the original Secret Wars.
Even when Peter changes into Spider-Man, he can’t exactly evade the Beyonder.
He even follows him to his apartment…
…which is followed by what is, quite possibly, the best Secret Wars II panel.
Spider-Man is understandably surprised by this, especially when the Beyonder repeats what he read from his mind.
It is a little far-fetched how he goes from “I am from beyond” to “you must be the Beyonder”, though.
Considering what dumb things we’ll see the Beyonder do, it’s kind of weird to see Spider-Man be this jumpy… but remember the first time he saw him he blew up an entire galaxy!!!
This is technically the first time the Beyonder truly explains what his deal is. Something that SHOULD have been in the first issue!!!
But basically, at this point (before it will all be retconned) the Beyonder is technically speaking an entire sentient universe.
But before we leave Spider-Man, he has the chance to be present during one of the greatest moments in the Marvel Universe…
…when Spider-Man taught the Beyonder how to poop!!!
Believe it or not, the moment is even referenced in later years!!!
With Spider-Man unable to give him answers, the Beyonder decides to go to Reed Richards at the worst possible time.
Specifically, he wants to talk while the Fantastic Four are dealing with the new Hate Monger… who gets murdered by an off-panel vigilante. That’s the Scourge, who has no other impact on Secret Wars II or on Fantastic Four! That’s almost impressive as it is dumb.
This is particularly frustrating because it’s right in the middle of a GREAT John Byrne storyline over in Fantastic Four, and the Beyonder REALLY feels out of place.
Without anyone explaining him why are clothes, the Beyonder decides to wear some anyway.
The first person to really connect with the Beyonder is a random homeless woman who is just a little too comfortable with all these crazy shenanigans.
I really like her! It’s a shame that she’s completely dropped after this story.
Shockingly enough this isn’t her first appearance! She’s a returning character from Marvel Fanfare #20, a Jim Starlin story that has to be one of the most obscure Secret Wars II references.
Even though she was white there, and it was a Thing story…
…here she gets the idea to suggest to the Beyonder to go to the Heroes For Hire: Luke Cage and Iron Fist.
When he gets to their offices, however, he doesn’t find them there…
…so he just brings them into the present!!! I really like just how casual the Beyonder is.
He’s also getting tired of being punched in the face.
True to form, Iron Fist is the only one who is able to have a calm discussion with the Beyonder.
I really like Luke Cage as a character, but never forget nearly everything that happens from this point forward in Secret Wars II is partially his fault: if only he had let Iron Fist do the talking, I have no trouble believing the Beyonder would’ve been just fine.
Yes Luke, explain capitalism to a child-like near-omnipotent superbeing, what could POSSIBLY go wrong?
He also gets it wrong for no real reason, explaining the Gold Standard when by that point it had been abandoned for 14 years! Did Shooter have this idea years prior and didn’t want to waste it?
If that is the case… I kind of forgive Shooter for it, because it leads not only to the Beyonder TRANSFORMING A WHOLE BUILDING INTO GOLD…
…but because this continue in a Spider-Man storyline that is not only one of the best Secret Wars II tie-ins, but one that I consider one of the best Spider-Man stories ever.
I won’t go into detail about that story now, but when the miniseries is over I intend to quickly talk about the tie-ins. Expect a lavish praise of the Spider-Man story when I get there.
Historical significance: 3/10
As far as Secret Wars II is concerned, this doesn’t really change much. The Beyonder learns what money is, but it’s not like it motivates him or anything. His involvement with the Fantastic Four, despite taking a lot of pages, really doesn’t amount to anything.
The only significance is with the transmutation of the building: it’s the basis for a Spider-Man story that has a surprising amount of impact on his series. For example, Spider-Man will hold on to a golden notebook retrieved from the building and won’t use it until 1986 to save the life of Aunt May’s then-current love interest Nathan.
Silver Age-ness: ∞/∞
Does it stand the test of time? 7/10
Possibly controversial opinion, but I actually like this story. Let’s get the worst parts out of the way first: the Fantastic Four stuff takes way too much pages, and to have Luke Cage bring up the Gold Standard was stupid (why not have the homeless woman be the one to explain money?). And of course the artwork is absolutely atrocious: with a better artist, I would’ve given this a 8/10.
So why do I defend this story? Because unlike basically every other character in the story, and unlike most of the rest of the miniseries, I don’t want to punch the Beyonder in the face!
I found his innocence and sense of wonder for anything to be endearing rather than irritating.
The story doesn’t take itself too seriously without turning into a farce, and the heroes are in-character rather than complete idiots (both will be HUGE problems in other issues).
It still has the problem of forcing you to read the tie-ins, and the series really should’ve been titled “The Beyonder” instead of “Secret Wars II”… but at least this story is WHAT THE SERIES WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT!!!
I enjoyed these early issues of Secret Wars II. It was actually a pretty solid series, except for issue # 5 (Beyonder tries to bring Boom-Boom to the X-Men and is attacked by them for no reason) and issue # 7 (Mephisto gets all villains plus the Thing to attack the Beyonder, in what seemed to me at the time like a pure rip-off of Crisis on Infinite Earths # 9 – I wonder if there was a different plot for this issue originally). It is interesting to see people attempt to write a completely alien being’s first experience of Earth. I similarly enjoyed this aspect in the much-panned Adam Sandler movie “Little Nicky,” in which the title character, Satan’s youngest child who spent his whole life as a prince of Hell, needs to come to Earth to stop his brothers. (In his case, his father set him up with mentors on Earth.)
The Spider-Man bathroom scene is an absolute classic, but as a father and now grandfather of little children, it’s inconceivable that someone new to a human body doesn’t just relieve himself on the spot when he feels the abdominal pressure. I’m sure that the Beyonder could pick up toilet training a lot more quickly than the average toddler, but if he doesn’t have a context for needing to hold it in, why would he, before he poses the question to Spider-Man? (Maybe muscle memory in the copied Captain America body? I don’t know.)
I was always under the impression that we were supposed to think the Beyonder’s white body suit was just censoring his nakedness for the comics code. I guess they could have done an Austin Power’s style sensorship, but this was probably safer that having parents notice a naked man in their kids’ comic.
It’s funny, back when this came out, I heard all of the hype of Secret Wars, but for some unknown reason, I thought it would be dumb, and never bothered to check it out! The only real experience I had with it is that my school’s drama class made their own plays, and had the Beyonder character in it. (I bought the VHS, but have no idea what happened to it after I moved to the States. It was almost 40 years ago, and I still remember it very well)
Oh trust me, the miniseries gets REALLY dumb later on… you’ll see. But I do think it’s not entirely without its charm and merit even in the crappier issues.