Superman #249

Superman #249 (1972)
by Cary Bates & Curt Swan
cover by Neal Adams
“The challenge of Terra-Man”

I’m of the firm belief that there are no bad characters: everyone can be interesting if given a good story.
However I’m only human^[*], so of course there are some characters that I just can’t get into.
And I really, REALLY don’t like Terra-Man.
^{[*]citation needed}

We begin with Superman meeting someone holding traffic in Metropolis with a stagecoach.

It’s here to deliver a package from “The Man”.

The stagecoach then teleports away, and it turns out the box contained a powerful explosive.

It’s actually a ridiculously overcomplicated way for The Man to issue his challenge to Superman.

Simple plot, right? Except Superman is currently suffering from Super-Parkinson.

So where is this mysterious illness coming from? Apparently it’s not the first time Superman suffers from this: it started when he was Superboy, randomly testing an invisibility serum.

Years later, Superboy invented a Tele-Time-Scope™ to study the history of Krypton, in order to figure out where the illness is coming from.
I guess he didn’t have that back in the Virus-X storyline.

The origin of Super-Parkinson is absolutely bonkers.
First of all, back on Krypton celebrated birthdays every 6 years instead of every year. Kind or random, but fine, that’s decent worldbuilding.

But the absurd part is that, since on Krypton a birthday is always a sad occasion (???), the idea of being incredibly said on your birthday became BIOLOGICAL.

Yep.
Superman has Super-Epilepsy because his body if fighting the biological imperative of being sad every sixth birthday.
Sounds legit.

I guess the idea of “every six years” comes from the fact that pre-Crisis Superman lived for a bit on Krypton, so he must’ve had at least a couple of birthdays there.
I don’t think we were ever told precisely how old Superman was when he left Krypton, but him being younger than six would make sense.
What DOESN’T make sense, however, is that Superman has a perfect memory of everything that happened to him on Krypton! So he NEVER heard of this “mandatory birthday depression”? Either on Krypton or on Kandor?
Also, while Supergirl definitely hasn’t been on Earth for more than six years, she never mentioned any of this stuff to her cousin?

*sigh*

Anyway, Superman’s solution to this was hypnotizing himself into forgetting his own birthday.

Which was COMPLETELY USELESS since, again, this is SOMEHOW biological.

All this nonsense at least leads to an incredibly Curt Swan panel that deserves a better story.

At this point you might be thinking: is there going to be any Terra-Man in this Terra-Man story?
And he arrives on the same page, in another GORGEOUS panel.

We are at PAGE TEN of an 18 page story (!!!) when we’re treated to a duel with this weird cowboy.

The cover was really hyping up Terra-Man and there’s a back-up feature with his own origin story, so I have to think Cary Bates wanted him to become a very important villain.
Then maybe he should’ve mixed this with a completely different plot that is taking all the oxygen from the main story!!!

This disease is so powerful that Superman can’t control his X-Ray vision, looking into his own brain.

Okay, Terra-Man: Superman is not going to put up a fight, this is your chance! Impress me.

Yeah, uhm, he’s not exactly the next Brainiac considering Superman is able to incapacitate him easily…

…despite having Super Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Then Superman loses control of his flight, and he keeps fighting Terra-Man… with his butt.

Come on Terra-Man, don’t you have ANYTHING ELSE!?

It is important to remember that we’re supposed to be taking this fight seriously.

This is where Terra-Man introduces himself, explaining he took that name because he’s from Earth.

He then prepares to execute Superman, who admittedly has a cool way to defeat him.

Not sure how he managed to pull off that stunt while he’s so incapacitated he can’t even stand up, but still, that’s the only barely cool thing in the story.

And that’s the end of the first story!

Clearly, one of the most dangerous villains Superman has ever faced.
Today.
He might be the most dangerous he’s faced TODAY, but come on. Don’t be ridiculous.

The rest of the issue is Terra-Man origin story, but now you might be wondering: what about that Super-Illness?

The story has a sequel right in the following issue, which DOES NOT MENTION THE BIRTHDAY ISSUE. It does show us what Terra-Man’s weakness is… money ink.

I could review Superman #250, but there’s only so much Terra-Man I can take.
Especially since we’re not done with #249.

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“The origins of Terra-Man”
by Cary Bates & Dick Dillin

So who IS Terra-Man? He’s the son of an outlaw from the 1870s…

…who got himself killed by aliens. On accident.

Then the alien decided to adopt the kid, erasing his memory because why not.

He was also given a device to let him breathe in space. Which, as we just saw, will turn out to be damaged by money ink the next issue.

So if his name is supposed to refer to him being from Earth, and the kid was speaking English… why exactly is he called Terra-Man instead of Earth-Man!?

You would think the alien, who was on Earth to collect money for his personal collection (!!!), would have a faster-than-light ship… but nope!

We see Terra-Man committing a couple of crimes and… wait a second, you have a magic gum that lets you create anything!? WHY ARE YOU STILL USING GUNS!?!?

Terra-Man eventually kills the alien who raised him, because apparently his father managed to scribble a message in the sand before he died.

And, uhm, and that’s about it really.

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Historical significance: 3/10
Even if I did like Terra-Man, he’s not exactly a big name.

Silver Age-ness: 10/10
WTF was up with that illness!?!?

 Does it stand the test of time? 1/10
Let’s start with the positives: the Curt Swan artwork is AWESOME, and even Dick Dillin does a great job in the origin story.
Other than that… what a mess. The illness plot overshadows everything else, and it’s not easy to take Superman seriously during the fight considering the other shenanigans going around. I simply cannot understand why Cary Bates decided to do both storylines simultaneously.
As for Terra-Man: the most potentially interesting thing about him is that he comes from a century ago… and the story DOES NOTHING WITH IT.
And leaving aside the fact that the illness makes no sense in-story… where did the guys with the teleporting stagecoach come from!?

How close is this to the modern character? What modern character?
Terra-Man barely has a couple dozens appearances pre-Crisis.
No wonder that Whatever happened to the Man of Tomorrow? only mentions him in one caption.
Poor Parasite, sharing a fate with Terra-Man.

There is a guy calling himself Terra-Man post-Crisis, but other than the name he has absolutely nothing to do with the original.

He later gets a look inspired by the original version, only to get himself brutally murdered by Black Adam of all people in 2003.

Surprisingly enough he shows up in animation: his civilian version shows up in Justice League Unlimited when they visit the Old West, and there’s a completely unrelated character called Terra-Man in the second season of Legion of Super-Heroes.