Secret Wars II #7 (1986)
by Jim Shooter & Al Milgrom
It’s not easy to decide which issue of Secret Wars II is the worst… there’s something to criticize in each issue… but I would argue this one is probably the worst of the worst.
For once, the Beyonder isn’t really to blame: he basically doesn’t do anything in the entire story, just chilling out on an island.
If anything the real protagonist is Mephisto.
I don’t often have positive things to say about Al Milgrom’s artwork because… well you know why… but I have to say his depiction of Hell is the right kind of creepy.
Mephisto has decided to attack the Beyonder with the BeyondersbaneTM.
There’s a nice bit of continuity hidden in the infodump: the machine is powered by the last remains of the energy that the Beyonder used to kill Death the previous issue.
Mephisto repeatedly calls Death “beloved” throughout the story, making me wonder if Shooter was really thinking of Thanos (who was still dead at the time).
In one of the few positive things I have to say about this story, Death speaks only to issue a vague prophecy that could apply to either the Beyonder or Mephisto. That’s a nice scene.
At the very least, that’s more interesting than the Beyonder’s equally brief dialogue.
This SOMEHOW inspires a bunch of people to follow an example the Beyonder isn’t even paying attention to.
Basically he’s Forrest Gumping this.
Meanwhile on a nearby island, the Thing (who had left the Fantastic Four at the time) is shooting a movie. Which is probably better than the actual Fantastic Four movies.
And now we get to the dumb… well, dumbER part of the story: Mephisto going around recruiting supervillains to fight the Beyonder for him.
Well, it’s actually a bit more complicated: they don’t really NEED to fight him. For convoluted reasons, if any of them touches the Beyonder or if he uses his powers against them, the BeyondersbaneTM will do the heavy lifting.
Yes, because THE BEYONDER is such a mastermind that you really need complicated plots in order to fool him.
The BeyondersbaneTM is already a convoluted idea, but at least it’s consistent: it’s supposed to use the Beyonder’s own power against him.
But then Mephisto SOMEHOW also recruited Eternity into this?
If you’re not big into the cosmic side of Marvel, Eternity is THE UNIVERSE ITSELF.
Eternity’s characterization over the years isn’t always consistent… sometimes he barely pays attention to anything, other times he’s surprising petty for a living universe… but apparently Mephisto convinced him to pay a personal price to defeat the Beyonder.
Then again, Eternity probably considers the death of a trillion people like a person would consider losing a couple of skin cells.
Mephisto’s “Legion Accursed” apparently includes basically every Marvel supervillain, including Doctor Doom. Talk about a letdown: after his AMAZING outing during the original Secret Wars, he’s reduced to a cameo.
We also check on Molecule Man, who FOR ONCE isn’t shown just watching TV with Volcana.
He’s watching TV with other people as well.
In another minor moment that I liked, Molecule Man excuses himself from his guests to check on the universe because he sensed Eternity was up to something.
Unfortunately all he does is angst about what the Beyonder is going to do, which will be his contribution to the rest of the series for 90% of his scenes.
Mephisto’s plan risks failing because the Beyonder might sit somewhere else.
SERIOUSLY? You have LITERALLY THE UNIVERSE helping you and you can’t manage to aim the Beyondersbane™ somewhere else!?!?
And what is Mephisto’s plan? Well, remember the Thing is on a nearby island, so… Mephisto makes him sign a contract for a wrestling rematch with the Beyonder!!!!
(there was a previous wrestling match… yes, really… in one of the tie-ins that I’ll cover at the end of the main retrospective)
The Thing goes to the Beyonder to pick up a fight, preventing him from leaving (HOW!?)…
…which Mephisto exploits by sending every supervillain as well.
If I had to explain what’s wrong with the image of DOCTOR FREAKING DOOM unquestionably following Mephisto’s orders… that would probably last longer than the entirety of Doom’s retrospective.
Now… if this comic made any sense whatsoever… the Beyonder would tell the Thing he knows what’s happening, and the Thing would reluctantly save the Beyonder.
You’d have to add something, for example that allowing Mephisto’s plan would damage to the Earth or something to that effect, but it certainly would make more sense than THIS.
So the entire universe holds its breath to learn if the Beyonder is going to die…
…and Molecule Man STILL DOESN’T DO ANYTHING.
All of this results in… *sigh*… the Thing fighting EVERY SINGLE MARVEL SUPERVILLAIN AT ONCE to save the Beyonder.
I don’t care if Mephisto SOMEHOW increased his strength. THIS IS STILL DUMB.
Even when Mephisto returns the Thing to his regular strength…
…HE STILL STOPS THE JUGGERNAUT.
There is NOTHING majestic about this, comic.
Alright, I begrudgingly admit that the people in Hell feeling a little better once Mephist loses his cool is a neat idea.
And so we end with the Beyonder deciding, after thinking about it for the entire story, that his next gig is going around the universe teaching stuff.
Spoiler alert: this is only slightly addressed in the tie-ins and won’t amount to anything.
Historical significance: 0/10
Silver Age-ness: 6/10
SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN WATCHING TV!!!!
Does it stand the test of time? 1/10
Some of Mephisto’s antics and a couple of minor moments are salvageable. Is it enough to save this from being the dumbest issue?
What I hated most about this issue is that seemed to be such a blatant rip-off of the Villain war that had only recently occurred in DC’s Crisis on Infinite Earths. Now, maybe one wasn’t really a rip-off of the other…as I’ve grown up, I’ve come to realize that comics are produce quite a while before they hit shelves, and the cover date of that Crisis issue was only one month before this issue of Secret Wars II (though the gathering of villains was a running subplot through Crisis for a few months prior), but when I was reading these two series live as they came out, that’s what I had been thinking.
Definitely a Doombot.
Emma Frost is shown among the villains gathering for their big attack. Later it’s stated that the Thing has defeated almost all the villains and is standing atop a mound of the vanquished as he fights the last few. This was way before Emma’s diamond-form secondary mutation, so the implication is that at some point in the fracas, our hero Ben beat a hot blonde in her underwear senseless.
The “all the villains team up for a big fight” trope is one that’s always bugged me. Heroes doing it, sure – if there’s a common good, they can all put aside any personal differences and work together. But villains all deciding there’s a “common bad” they have to band together en masse to achieve is dopey, especially since most of them likely don’t even think of themselves as evil. Emma Frost, Kang, the Titanium Man, Kraven the Hunter and the Rhino don’t think of themselves as colleagues in the same line of work just waiting for the CEO of Evil to organize a convention so they can all hang out.
At the time I couldn’t get through the first issue. Looks like I didn’t miss much…
I would honestly recommend reading the second issue. It’s no masterpiece but it’s silly fun. For the rest of the miniseries… some of it falls under “it’s so bad it’s good”, but mostly it’s crap.
This Thing was painful.