Legion of Substitute Heroes Special (1985)
by Paul Levitz & Keith Giffen
This special is written by both Levitz and Giffen, but considering its humor and the way it treats the Substitute Heroes as a joke I think we can safely assume this is 90% Giffen.
As I’ve said before I don’t care much for how Giffen treats the Subs… with one exception, because this special is freaking hilarious.
Also: did they time the publishing date just to make an April Fools joke on the cover?
(According to my sources, the publication date was April 4th)
Keep in mind we’re supposed to take this story with a grain of salt… it’s highly probable it’s not 100% in continuity.
We begin with a familiar face describing the Substitute Heroes: it’s none other than Matter Eater-Lad, who is still serving as a Senator on his home planet Bismoll.
M.E.L. is not doing a great job as selling them as great heroes.
M.E.L. is worried about the fact that planet Bismoll is about to turn control of much of the planet over to a bunch of supercomputers.
Most of the story is going to take place on his planet; we don’t see much of its society, but it’s a fantastic opportunity for some worldbuilding.
Like Matter-Eater Lad, every single person on this planet has the power to eat anything… which is also part of politics, because laws are not signed here: they’re eaten!!!
Still, by the 30th century computers have to be harmless, right?
I mean what could possibly go wrong by handing over your planet to AN ARMY OF COMPUTOS!?!?
One thing that is basically never brought up is the reason why the people of Bismoll have the power to eat anything: EVERYTHING on their planet is incredibly poisonous!
Plus, considering they can basically consume an infinite amount of matter, it makes perfect sense to limit how much they can eat… although I have to wonder how the heck does a Bismollian get fat.
The Legion already has Shvaughn Erin as their Science Police liaison, so now GiGi Cusimano is assigned to the Substitute Heroes as their liaison.
This will only last this special, but I would’ve liked her to stay in her position… I don’t find her particularly interesting, and she’s constantly taking away scenes that could be given to Shvaughn.
Speaking of the Subs, in this story they’re going to include Polar Boy (in a truly awful new design), Chlorophyll Kid, Fire Lad, Porcupine Pete, Infectious Lass, Stone Boy…
…and Color Kid, who just suddenly turned into a girl!
And even he (she?) has no idea how the heck THAT happened!
The Subs are not the only Legion rejects on Bismoll: we also have the return of Eyeful Ethel from Adventure Comics #330 and Tusker from Adventure Comics #331, who have the brilliant plan to sabotage Bismoll’s computer systems to SOMEHOW help their reputation.
You would expect these two idiots to be the villains of a Substitute Heroes story, but instead they accidentally resurrect PULSAR STARGRAVE.
Pulsar Stargrave proves his might by knocking out the power grid of the entire planet, and he’s ready to just rule. There’s only one problem… Bismoll sucks!!!
How exactly Pulsar Stargrave ended up here is not clear, AT ALL, considering his last appearance was issue #273 where he was thrown into the star of a different solar system.
But SOMEHOW the Computo robots summoned him to Bismoll?
The robots distract him long enough to have Matter-Eater Lad accomplish what is easily his greatest feat ever…
…EATING THE NOSE OF PULSAR STARGRAVE.
Which accomplishes two things:
a) jack
b) s#it.
This will be the last adventure Polar Boy has with the Substitute Heroes, and… let’s just say he doesn’t leave on the best terms.
I can’t blame him completely, considering the amount of shenanigans happening.
Like Stone Boy still being in his hibernated state because he forgot to wake up (which is probably the best running joke of the story), but also Infectious Lass is the one who unwillingly turned Color Kid into Color Girl.
The setup is great, but I find Polar Boy’s aggression too much. He’s supposed to be the leader but he spends his time snapping at everyone.
As far as I know these gender-swapping germs don’t show up again, but I’m willing to bet they were the basis for A LOT of fanfiction.
Pulsar Stargrave taking down all power on the planet also impacted the Subs’ ship, so they’re stuck in orbit.
They find a miracolous way to get to the surface, but we don’t get to read it because there’s an internal memo covering everything.
Again, your mileage may vary, but I found it funny.
With the Subs on the planet’s surface, most of them are scattered away from the main mission.
Fire Lad ends up creating a wildfire…
…Color Kid/Girl is stuck in the garbage…
…Chlorophyl Kid is arrested because he’s fat enough to trigger the Calorie Patrol…
…Infectious Lass is SOMEHOW still in orbit…
…and Stone Boy is still sleeping!!!
Even GiGi is in trouble because apparently there’s freaking Kaiju on Bismoll!!!
Yeah everyone’s having a rough day, even Pulsar Stargrave.
Okay not EVERY Sub misses the action. Porcupine Pete gets to fight Pulsar Stargrave… sort of.
Polar Boy has calmed down a little, but he’s unwilling to face Pulsar Stargrave… and I’m a bit disappointed he doesn’t even TRY.
Okay he’s a powerhouse of a villain, but he’s also a robot so why doesn’t he even consider freezing its circuits or something?
The real hero of the story is really Matter-Eater Lad. He’s definitely less powerful than Polar Boy, but he doesn’t let that slow him down! Goes to show how power isn’t everything you need to be considered Legion material.
But maybe Pulsar Stargrave will be defeated by… Tusker?
No. No he will not.
AMAZINGLY, Tusker doesn’t die thanks to the very well-timed arrival of Polar Boy!
Pulsar Stargrave is so enraged by the ridiculousness of the situation that he’s ready to Kirby Krackle the entire planet…
…but then we bizarrely cut to a news report revealing how Pulsar Stargrave has been defeated…
…BY STONE BOY.
HOW!? Well, I wasn’t exxagerating saying Matter-Eater Lad is the true hero of the story.
And that is FOR REAL the last appearance of Pulsar Stargrave.
As for the other heroes, their eventual fate is probably the funniest moment of the issue.
With two exceptions, really.
GiGi is treated as if she just went through something very humiliating, but really all that happened is that a ship she wasn’t in charge off crashed.
And finally, while on its own there’s nothing wrong with it… the fact that this is the last Polar Boy panel that features him as a member of the Substitute Heroes is very sad.
My theory about Giffen being the one fixated on turning the Subs into a joke is confirmed by a Levitz editorial at the end.
Levitz straight admits even he has no freaking idea of WTF Pulsar Stargrave is at this point.
Despite his reassurance, he won’t be back again. Possibly because of Crisis, but nobody really tried to re-introduce a new version of the character in the various reboots.
Legion significance: 3/10
In-universe, as mentioned it’s the last appearance of Pulsar Stargrave and the last time Polar Boy is part of the Subs. Plus it’s the re-introduction of Matter-Eater Lad, though he won’t REALLY be back until the “Five Years Later” era.
While it’s not counted in the score, this is also the moment when the Subs are basically established as gag characters… at least when they’re presented as a team. Some individual members will still get the chance to be badasses.
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
It’s definitely on purpose, but still.
Does it stand the test of time?
If you like Giffen’s comedy: 8/10
While I’m not generally a fan of his kind of humor, I think he pulled it off here… for the most part.
Polar Boy’s anger makes a couple of scenes too angry, plus it’s pretty clear that while some of the scenes are laughing WITH the characters, most of them are laughing AT the characters. Which results in a polarizing story.
If you don’t like Giffen’s comedy: 0/10
I’d say this, and whether or not you’re willing to accept the Subs to be turned into a laughingstock, is what makes or breaks the story.
Personally, I’m somewhat in the middle: I do find the story quite funny, but at 38 pages it’s reeeally stretching your tolerance because some gags overstay their welcome.
I’m not too disappointed that the Subs were turned into a joke: while they can be effective, their comedic base is undeniable. I’m mostly upset that the Subs will be relegated into this role for the rest of this continuity, but it’s not the fault of THIS story.
Ooh! Time for the Legion nerd in me to shine!
Continuity: I’m guessing you reviewed this here because in two more issues of Legion by your review timeline, Polar Boy announces that he disbanded the Subs and is accepted into the big-league squad. However, I’m pretty sure this takes place earlier, as Tusker speaks of Ron-Karr having assured him that sabotaging a planetary computer system would get him membership in the LSV. I think also that it was mentioned that Gigi was given the Dev-Em assignment as an apology for the Subs debacle.
Grandin gender-reversal germs: They WERE in fact used again, in Legionnaires # 13, to turn the young Matter-Eater Lad into a woman so he/she could infiltrate a party of Sklarian raiders.
Matter-Eater Lad’s greatest accomplishment: Biting off Pulsar Stargrave’s nose? What about eating the Miracle Machine? And (I’m guessing you never read the Bierbaum Legionnaires series?) he also took a bite out of the Persuader’s Atomic Axe in Legionnaires # 6.
Pulsar Stargrave: While the actual name is never used, a being assumed to be him 1000 years younger is a big player in the L.E.G.I.O.N. ‘(last two digits of year) series. But this is the final appearance of the character in a 30th-century context.
Giffen eventually rehabilitated the Subs in the TMK run of Legion. And yes, it was Giffen who did so – this was mentioned in a letters page response to yours truly in an issue of that run!
Mostly I reviewed it here for the publishing date and to balance a VERY light Crisis review 🙂
I have read everything published in the 5YL era, but it’s by far my weakest point in Legion lore.
As for the rest, I think you deserve one of these:
There are actually no less than three present-day characters who might become the Legion’s Pulsar Stargrave.
First, L.E.G.I.O.N. villain Mr. Starr, a biological form containing the mental essence of the Computer Tyrants of Colu, was clearly intended to become Pulsar Stargrave, before his disappeared with his story unfinished.
Seconds, R.E.B.E.L.S. Volume 2 had Lyrl Dox, Brainiac 3, build a sentient solar computer called Pulsar Stargrave/Brainiac 4.
Thirdly, Larfleeze, in his own book, had a Coluan servant called Pulsar Stargrave, most likely because of Giffen’s involvement in the book.