World’s Finest #239

World’s Finest #239 (1976)
by Bob Haney & Curt Swan
cover by Ernie Chan

THERE’S ANOTHER METAL MEN STORY!!!
Yeah I don’t know how I missed this during the retrospective, but this is technically counts… even if it co-stars Gold, a.k.a. the least interesting of the Metal Men, and none of the others.
Chronologically speaking, it has the same cover date of Metal Men #46.

We begin a few miles off Gotham City, where a poor farmer’s house gets blasted from the sky during the night.

The local farmers are in a state of shock.

I don’t find this weird at all. I’ve seen the Metal Men dancing.

No Super-Sons in sight… Curt Swan artwork… Superman and Batman not acting like complete idiots… is World’s Finest going back to GOOD stories!?

If Superman said the temperature was higher than the Sun’s SURFACE, he would’ve been SO close to being plausible!
That’s 10,000°F (or 5,600°C), and the inner core of Earth reaches about 9,392°F (or 5,200°C). So normally the Earth’s core is slightly cooler than the surface of the Sun; I can believe something down there is a bit hotter.
Too bad Superman mentions the Sun’s heart, which if we interpret as the Sun’s CORE would be 27,000,000°F (or 15,000,000°C). If have my doubts the planet would survive THAT temperature!!!

The two farmers are delirious, but Batman thinks their words could be useful so he has an artist sketching what they’re describing…

…which honestly wouldn’t feel out of place in a Silver Age story.

The sketch artist did a great job!

The two heroes then go back to the scene of the crime, where the crowd is protesting.

Ooof. Imagine bringing THAT sign to a meeting with Superman.

Batman also picks up a clue from a kid who never shows up again in the story.

At this point you might be wondering: didn’t the cover promise us Gold from the Metal Men?
He unwillingly reveals himself when he gets close enough to the giant hole in the ground to melt his fake skin!

The Metal Men were chased by a mob many times during their series (often JUSTIFIABLY SO). Can you imagine if any of those scenes were drawn by Curt Swan? They still would’ve been dumb scenes, but what a lost opportunity.

Fleeing the crowd, Gold falls into the hole. It’s been a while since the retrospective has ended, but never forget the Metal Men are complete morons!

It wouldn’t be a Metal Man story without one of them dying, isn’t it?

And yes it DOES count, because Superman has to rebuild Gold afterwards.

Gold is being a bit too dramatic here: the last time he met Batman was Brave and the Bold #121…

…which, in case you forgot, included the Metal Men being celebrated.

I see what you did there, Bob Haney.

Since the metal left behind by the alien ship is not found on Earth, Superman decides to SCOUR THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE looking for it!!!

But the farmer’s words are a new clue for Batman, who then decides to call Superman back to Earth.

The aliens are monitoring Batman, so they decide to stop him by blasting him from the sky. Which results in an AMAZING sequence by Curt Swan!!!

I normally criticize Bob Haney for constantly having Batman knocked out in the dumbest ways possible, but I can’t fault him this time. Well done!
Also, check out the mastery of Curt Swan: you can FEEL Batman’s weight!!!

Since he told Gold they needed to get Superman back to Earth, they contact him through a radio telescope (!!!) which apparently Superman can hear with his super-hearing. (WTF?)

Guys, if the aliens can see and hear you from space, I don’t think whispering is going to do you any good.

The plan leads to:

If this scene had been on the cover, I know for a fact it would be a meme.

Superman then proceeds to:
A) shove the nurse into a closed
B) throw Gold into space
C) substitute Batman with a dummy

Not a robot, which would’ve tied with the Metal Men and would’ve been easy to do (I’m not as familiar with Batman’s Silver Age as I am with Superman, but I’m sure there’s a Batman robot somewhere)… just a dummy.

What doctor is going to be fooled by that!?

As for why Superman threw Gold into space: he’s turned into gold foil to jam the alien scanners!
This kind of stuff is why I could never understand how any of the Metal Man could POSSIBLY be destroyed!!!

Soooo… any particular reason why that technology is not commonplace on Earth, Superman?

This way, Superman learns why Batman wanted him to get back to Earth: since the farmer mentioned he was too old to work on the mines, he deduced that the metal Superman went looking for was not going to be the same place where he’d find the aliens.

That’s a perfectly reasonable deduction (a rarity for Bob Haney’s Batman!), but I’m more concerned by the idea that Superman was going to SEARCH EVERY SINGLE PLANET IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE if he wasn’t stopped!

Thanks to Gold identifying the satellite that was scanning Batman, Superman is able to find where it’s being controlled from: another galaxy from “billions of miles” away.

Let’s be generous by assuming the “galaxy of Beta Zar” is the nearest galaxy. That would be the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy, which is 25,000 light-years from Earth.
Which is 146,966,000,000,000,000 miles, which is indeed many many billions so… TECHNICALLY correct I guess?

Literally THE PANEL AFTER Superman leaves…

…Batman discovers that he has to call him back! AGAIN!

But since the radio telescope can’t contact Superman, Gold decides to STRETCH INTO ANOTHER GALAXY.

WHICH HE DOES.
I need to remind you that, AT MINIMUM, he’s stretching 147,000 billion miles!!!
More “realistically”, the galaxy should be at least as distant as the Andromeda Galaxy which is 2.5 million light-years from Earth.
Which translates to *gasping for air* 14,696,563,000,000,000,000 MILES.

Not only Gold can do that, not only he can do that AS FAST AS SUPERMAN CAN FLY… but Batman expected to use this to send an electric signal!!!
Even assuming electricity flows through gold at the speed of light… WTF!?!?

Also: IT WORKS, and Batman sends an electrical signal to Superman IN SECONDS.
Again I must remind you that he’s doing this, AT AN ABSOLUTE MINIMUM, 146,966,000,000,000,000 miles away!!!

So why were these aliens targeting Earth? As a testing ground for their interstellar weapon!

But Superman convinces them not to use other planets to test their weapons, promising to take care of the invading aliens…

…by weakening the next shot so that it only stuns the target. (???)

Luckily nobody will ever try to attack Earth ever again.

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Historical significance: 0/10
When Superman meets the Metal Men in DC Comics Presents #4, it’s treated like they never met Superman.

Silver Age-ness: 14,696,563,000,000,000,000/10
From the number of miles that Gold would need to stretch to reach the Andromeda Galaxy.

Does it stand the test of time? 6/10
It might be because I’m still feeling the effects of those AWFUL Super-Sons issues, but it’s not that bad! Sure it has one of the most absurd Silver Age-y moments (WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING), and Superman is a bit too thick in the head, but other than that?
Batman is surprisingly competent for a Bob Haney story, the mystery mostly makes sense, and I can’t praise enough how much of a difference it makes having Curt Swan drawing.
Too bad the rest of the Metal Men are not here because it’s much better than MOST of their series and team-ups!

Did Superman really need Batman? Yes
Well SOMEONE has to stop Superman from rushing to the other side of the universe without thinking!

Did Superman really need Gold? Nope!
The only reason he’s useful is to contact Superman. Jimmy Olsen’s signal watch could do that and SOMEHOW break fewer laws of physics!
I wouldn’t mind so much if all the Metal Men were involved… but did they HAVE to use the least interesting one!? Especially considering that Platinum is also a good conductor, why couldn’t we see Tina instead!?

Times Gold has died: 25
Still not beating the competition: the count ended with Lead dying 30 times!