World’s Finest #246-247

World’s Finest #246 (1977)
by Bob Haney & Kurt Schaffenberger
cover by Neal Adams

Don’t let the cover fool you. This is going to be way, WAY more insane than it looks.
Prepare yourselves because this one is going to hurt.
A lot.

This is a pretty long two-parter, so I’ll skip part of the Batman intro. It’s not that bad: he’s helping Commissioner Gordon arrest a criminal that is trying to escape on a plane.

But the criminal convinces Batman to let him go (???) in exchange for a strange tablet.

It’s your standard Bob Haney shenanigans when it comes to Batman…

…but at least he gives Gordon a tip on how to arrest the guy later.

The reason why this is in World’s Finest is that the tablet received from the criminal is in Kryptonese.

I refuse to believe that IN 1977 Batman doesn’t know how to read Kryptonese (leaving aside that he’s Batman, he’s been to Kandor before). At the very least Superman says that the writing has been damaged, so it might be the reason.

So far it’s been a pretty standard story, right? Then it turns out that SUPERMAN HAS A TWIN.

This is so stupid that Batman’s very first idea is that it has to be a hoax. Only for Superman to confirm that the tablet really IS from Krypton.

That will have to wait, however, because Superman has to rush to the Fortress of Solitude when he’s informed there’s a giant Kryptonite meteor headed for Earth.
Which is troubling because, by this time, all Kryptonite on Earth had been transmuted into iron.

Not confused enough yet? Then Green Arrow calls with the sole goal of insulting Superman!

I absolutely must point out that the Kryptonite meteor, Green Arrow calling to insult, AND Superman running into “the biggest space bum in all the galaxies” are ALL happening ON THE SAME PAGE. See why I just had to review this one?

This is Ram Drood, a “Space Bum”. We have never seen him before, but good luck forgetting his choice in attire.

The “Space Bum” (Superman’s words, not mine!) is here to help introducing Superman’s twin…

…who claims he has been imprisoned inside the Kryptonite meteor by Superman himself.

You just have to love how quickly the Justice Leave believes this “““evidence”””.

Also, VERY minor nitpick I know but… “WW” works as a nickname for Wonder Woman in writing, but that must sound ridiculous read aloud right?
I mean who would call her “double-u double-u”?

All jokes aside, while I do appreciate that Batman is enough of a friend not to immediately trust a stranger showing a blurry recording… it’s going to be awkward at the next JLA meeting for everyone else, right?

So the World’s Finest travel to the asteroid on a ship, where we finally meet Superman’s twin.
And believe it or not, the “Space Bum” is NOT the most ridiculous character in this story.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: the Hunchback of Notre-Krypton!!!

Also, you might have guessed it: this is where the story turns absolutely bonkers.
Yes.
NOW.

First of all, according to the hunchback’s tale, Jor-El showed his newbord son to “the admiring mob”.

WTF!?!? I know Jor-El is basically the only person on Krypton to do anything, but he was just a scientist… not the Lion King of Krypton! Why would he be showing his newborn so to a mob!?

But, believe it or not, that isn’t even the dumbest part of Quasimodo-El’s origin!!!

So basically we JUST learned:
1) Kryptonians do not check how many babies a pregnant woman is going to deliver
2) Jor-El doesn’t notice that his wife is still pregnant with the second child before he takes the elder son to his “admiring mob”
3) Superman’s mother is A COMPLETE MONSTER
4) Jor-El doesn’t notice that his wife is repeatedly leaving her house, and her newborn baby, to go take care of ANOTHER newborn baby

BUT WE ARE NOT DONE WITH THE STUPID! Because while the destruction of Krypton would be the perfect time to say “you also have a second son and he could probably fit in the same ship with his brother”…

…Superman’s mother instead just left the tablet next to her baby, just hoping that SOMEHOW both would survive the destruction of Krypton.

And you know what the worst part of it all is?
Well, aside from the fact that people were paid to write, pencil, ink, color, letter and print this thing… THE PLAN WORKED.

But wait, WE ARE STILL NOT DONE WITH THE STUPID! Because not only Quasimodo-El survived the explosion of the planet, not only he landed just outside Smallville, but he leave for YEARS as a caveman WITHOUT ANYONE EVER NOTICING.

This lasted all the way until the Superboy years…

…until Superboy launched Quasimodo-El into space. Even after the latter got himself a costume!

AND Superboy used his heat vision to change ordinary rocks into Kryptonite, which is apparently something he can do.

Guys, just give me a moment.
This is too much stupid all at once even after surviving both Jimmy Olsen and the Metal Man.
Just give me a second to recover, using this panel’s detail that perfectly helps convey my state of mind.

Alright, I needed that. I’m sure that if I zoom out on the same panel I won’t find anything that ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? HE BELIEVES THIS STORY!?

I know news travel fast, but COME ON!!!

And people complain about social media. In 1977, all it took to be declared a world criminal was hearing the dumbest story anyone could possibly imagine without any sort of evidence.

Justice League… I had a better opinion of you guys.
Well to be honest I’m not exactly shocked to see Hal Jordan is THIS dumb, but the rest should know better.

Even Batman is like “ARE YOU INSANE!?”.

So Quasimodo-El is now free, at the cost of Superman’s life.

And so Earth’s new hero is introduced to the world by Legally Not Jimmy Carter.

And now, ladies and gentlemen… crap, I’ve already used that gag.
What can I say when a story gets bonkers and then GETS EVEN WORSE!?

Not only Quasimodo-El is now a dictator, but FOR NO REASON his second-in-command is the gangster from the beginning!

So now Batman is a hunted criminal in the new Orwell-El regime.

Well I kind of exaggerated when I said Orwell-El doesn’t have a reason to work with the gangster: there WILL be a reason, just a stupid one.
Also: Batman, I get the hat+coat combo is because you’re being hunted, but maybe take off your mask!!!

Now don’t be shocked, but Superman is *gasp* not actually dead!

He was obviously cured by a Semi-Yellow Sun Volcanic Furnace^{(trademark denied)}.
Sounds legit.

And so we end with Superman vowing to return to Earth to deal with his twin brother. Because why would he leave this to the JLA considering how idiotic they were?

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World’s Finest #247 (1977)
by Bob Haney & Kurt Schaffenberger
cover by José Luis García-López & Dick Giordano

You know I’m beginning to think Superman might not be the worst member of his family after all.

After SIX PAGES of recapping the previous issue (with lots of re-used panels), Batman drops a bombshell: Adolf-El has been lying the whole time!

So we should NOT have trusted without question a tale that has nearly no proof, that contradicts the guy with super-memory, that requires us to ignore decades of stories and flashbacks, while also necessitating a complete re-write of the personality of Superman’s mother AND accept coincidences that make the average Silver Age story realistic?

NOW YOU TELL ME!!!

The only proof around, and what is connecting Adolf-El to the criminal, is proven false by the clues gathered by Batman last issue.

Again with this idea that only Superman and Supergirl know Kryptonese. For crying out loud, BOTH Jimmy Olsen AND Lois Lane were able to become fluid pretty casually!
And speaking of Lois, in her retrospective we learned that there are at the very least four people in Kandor that look EXACTLY like Superman… why COULDN’T his “twin” be another one!?

This results in, you guessed it, a big dumb fight.

Emphasis on “dumb”, but at least this is the scene that gives us one of the greatest sounds effects ever: “Pumma-whumma-pumma-whum-whum-whamp!” indeed.

Little known fact: Washington’s monument is made of Inertron…

…and the Capitol’s dome is a carousel.

Unfortunately, even completely ignoring physics doesn’t save Superman from being defeated by Adolf-El.

Oh no, not… whatever his name was!

SOMEHOW Batman is not captured, but he manages to appeal to Adolf-El’s honor to allow him to show up at Superman’s upcoming execution.
Yes, because the dictator who just took over the planet sounds sooooo trustworthy.

Superman has never considered dying in the line of duty because of his invulnerability?
F### off, Bob Haney!!! You repeatedly utterly fail in understanding both heroes, HOW DID YOU GET TO WRITE THIS SERIES!?!?!

Also: THAT WASN’T BATMAN, but the Atom sneaking in to take Superman’s place.
That’s a nice moment for him, but… are all heroes completely interchangeable in the DC Universe for nobody to notice!?

The real Batman takes Superman to the Fortress of Solitude (why hasn’t Adolf-El thrown that place into the Sun!?), where Superman RE-CREATES THE EXPLOSION OF KRYPTON IN MINIATURE to get himself some Kryptonite.

Adolf-El is going to announce to the United Nations that he’s the new ruler of Earth (because that’s apparently how it works), when two completely honest representatives of never-heard-before country presents him with a gift.
I appreciate that they at least checked, but A) why would he need his men to inspect the statues if he has X-Ray vision B) even if there was a bomb in the statues, he’s invulnerable!

OF COURSE the statues are just the means to use Kryptonite against Adolf-El.

It’s time to return to our good tradition of “guess the stupid ending”, folks!
Just WHO is Nickname-El in reality?
I’ll give you a hint: he’s a regular Superman villain.

A) Lex Luthor
B) Mr. Mxyzptlk
C) Toyman
D) Parasite
E) Terra-Man

And the answer is… the Parasite, of all people!!!

Superman explains to Batman who the Parasite is (because BATMAN doesn’t know? REALLY!?).
Don’t be shocked, but Bob Haney attempts to use continuity and fails… Superman mentions that Parasite already absorbed his powers twice, but at the time of publishing there had been FIVE Parasite stories: Action Comics #340, Action Comics #361, Superman #286, Superman #299, and Superman #304.
With the benefit of doubt, in a few of these it can be argued that Parasite is not absorbing Superman’s powers, but he DEFINITELY did it more than twice.

Also I guess all these fights gave Parasite a severe brain injury because he thought that the idiotic “secret twin” story was a good idea.

This also opens a hornet nest when it comes to Parasite. When he absorbs Superman’s powers, he also copies his memories and notably he learns his secret identity… but typically, he loses that memory at the end of each Parasite story.
According to THIS one, however, he should remember everything about Superman even when he’s powerless… which means that HE COULD HAVE ATTACKED CLARK KENT instead of going through with this whole thing!!!

And now that Earth’s dictator has been defeated, the world goes back to having war, poverty and injustice.
WAIT A SECOND… Superman, you’re not saying that having a super-being ruling over the planet solved any of those problems, right? Right?

Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised at this point.

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Historical significance: 0/10

Silver Age-ness: 4∞/10
If the twin story HAD been real, this would’ve skyrocketed it to the top… it’s not QUITE there, but it’s VERY close.

Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
This one PHYSICALLY HURT to get through. Just when you think it can’t possibly get any worse, IT DOES. Everyone is an idiot in this!!!

Did Superman really need Batman? We might need Batman too…