Crack Comics #1

Crack Comics #1 (1940)
cover by Ed Cronin

Despite the cover, we’re mainly focusing on Black Condor. Who might not be a household name, but he’s WITHOUT QUESTION the superhero with the dumbest origin story.
So it’s only appropriate for him to debut on Crack Comics!

“The Man Who Can Fly Like a Bird”
by Will Eisner and Lou Fine

Perhaps the reason why Black Condor never really took off is that by this time “The Man Who Can Fly Like A Bird” is not that impressive anymore.

Black Condor is the son of an archeologist. No connection with Doctor Fate’s father or with me.
Also: I know these were different times, but DO NOT nickname your son “little Dick”.

Unfortunately some raiders attack the archeological expedition…

…and slaughter EVERYONE!

The Golden Age doesn’t mess around.

After that, Black Condor’s origin turns into Bird Tarzan.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, get ready to the most amazing superhero origin EVER.

First of all: the child survives for YEARS being fed by a condor, never leaving the nest.
This is absurd for a variety of reasons: first of all condors are native to the Americas, so there shouldn’t be ANY condors to begin with during this expedition to Mongolia.
Second, condors are scavengers: they eat flesh from dead animals. WTF were they feeding the kid?

At least they were gracious enough to provide pants for the adopted human.

But here’s the real reason why Black Condor is so incredible.
Because his origin story is that he was taught how to fly BY BIRDS.

YES. THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
“Crack Comics” indeed!!!

And no, these are not some magic birds. Who cares about physics, apparently the only thing you need to do to fly is just talk to some birds!

The adopted bird, now a fully grown man, is apparently smart enough to get himself a knife (WTF?) but he’s not tough enough to win a fight against giant eagles.

He’s then rescued by a random hermit…

…who becomes his mentor, giving him the name “Black Condor” because his hair is black.
Could’ve been worse: he could’ve been called Little Dick again.
The hermit is the reason why Black Condor can speak, but who taught him how to carve that knife?

Tragically, the hermit dies from the dreaded Mentor Disease two panels later.
Well, considering his dying words were “at least I brought religion to those savages”, perhaps it’s not that big of a tragedy.

This inspires Black Condor to become a superhero, SOMEHOW.
Imagine if instead he took the lesson “I shall become a preacher and bring the words of Bird Jesus to the world”.

(incidentally: if you add “Jesus” to ANY image search, you WILL find some crazy images. There are no exceptions).

Despite being one guy who lives in the middle of absolute nowhere in Mongolia, Black Condor rapidly becomes a worldwide sensation.

This is especially impressive because, if we go by the way the place is portrayed, Black Condor apparently lives in the 1400s or something.

This is when Black Condor shows up in costume for the first time. He’s dressed in red here, but he will typically have a black costume.
A costume that includes wings, despite him repeatedly demonstrating he doesn’t need them.

Black Condor gets some revenge against the people who killed his parents, with the help of his fellow birds.

He then liberates a nearby city…

…and that’s it.

A lot of slow news days for this guy to become world famous in 1940, I assume.

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Historical significance: 6/10
I still cannot believe Bird Tarzan ended up a legacy character.

Silver Age-ness: ½ ∞/10
This needs context.
I’ve covered a lot of insane things since Superboy #101 became the first comic to reach a Silver-Ageness of infinity, by having Krypto get  a sex change and give birth.
From Lois Lane #137‘s “the dinosaurs are actually alien refugees who killed each other, and their descendants from another dimension hijack the Metropolis subway to teach humans to make love and not war” to Superboy #111‘s “Krypto turns into a cow to cause the Great Chicago Fire”.
You know what all of these have in common? They have an explanation for the crazy stuff that happens.
A very, VERY stupid explanation, but there is one.
So I would argue that having Bird Tarzan learn how to fly without a true explanation is not on the same league. For all we know, there COULD be a radioactive meteor in the original version as well! It’s hardly the same thing. But still… it’s the most insane origin story ever, so it merits half infinity.
And if you’re wondering “wait, half infinity doesn’t mean anything”… that’s the point! How can THIS story get a score that makes ANY sense?

Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
Oh the positive side: that’s some great artwork! Not surprising, since Lou Fine ended up being the ghost artist of The Spirit during Eisner’s military service.
Oh the other hand… EVERYTHING ELSE. Even if we leave aside the idiocy of the origin… and that’s a big “if”… this is not a well-thought story that doesn’t withstand five seconds of thought.

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How close is this to the modern character? What modern character?
It didn’t take long to realize that just being able to fly wouldn’t cut it anymore in 1940. Already from Crack Comics #2, along with his classic look Black Condor would get his trademark weapon… a ray gun that shoots paralyzing darkness.
How in the world Bird Tarzan got that goes completely unexplained.

He wouldn’t stay in Asia for long. Not only he moves to Washington DC, but he ends up taking the identity of a dead senator who BY SHEER COINCIDENCE looks exactly like him.

That’s right. US Senator by day, Bird Tarzan by night.

Black Condor proved popular enough to appear on Crack Comics until #31 in 1943, although his last cover is #26.

DC Comics acquired the rights of Quality Comics in 1956, but nobody cared enough about Black Condor to bring him back until Justice Leage of America #107 in 1973, thirty years after his last appearance.
He was re-introduced as a member of the Freedom Fighters, which was composed of characters from Quality Comics that were now in a world where War World II never ended.
We’ve only met Dollman so far, but I’ll cover all of their first appearances.

The team even had its own series, which lasted from 1976 to 1978.

His origin story was eventually updated to something less insane.
There might’ve been earlier fixes, but Secret Origins #21 in 1987 (by Roy Thomas, because of course) is an extended re-telling of Crack Comics #1 that adds a mysterious radioactive meteor that is presumably the REAL reason why he can fly.

His ultimate fate is unclear. A new Black Condor was introduced in 1992 (with the more boring origin of being a subject of genetic experiments) and the original showed up as a Bird Force Ghost to give him advice.

When the second Black Condor was killed in 2005, a THIRD Black Condor showed up (this one being given powers by magic means); he’s still around.
It was only natural to have a Black Condor that is Native American… the condor is NOT A BIRD FROM ASIA.

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What else was in Crack Comics #1? A LOT.
Black Condor’s story is the last in the book: it’s only 7 pages long, while the others amount to an insane 62 pages of comics!

The first one is about The Clock, who holds the distinction of being the first comic book hero to wear a mask.

Despite the superb title panel, it’s a pretty standard 40s story with The Clock fighting masked master criminal Big Shot. Who I guess might be an ancestor of Cobra Commander.

I still don’t know why he calls himself The Clock. But for the first hero to wear a mask, he definitely hasn’t figured out its use.

There’s also four pages from the newspaper strip Jane Arden, which interestingly introduces the “dress-up paper dolls” gimmick next to the comics. I wonder if they’re the first to do this.

Also it’s not just for girls!

There’s a Space Legion story, which sadly has nothing to do with the Legion of Super-Heroes.

There’s another superhero called The Spider.

With a name like that, of course he’s an archer who dresses in yellow and blue. That’s just common sense.

I guess he’s called The Spider because one of his arrows is used to trap his foes? Maybe? That’s the only special arrow he uses in the entire story.

There’s Wizard Wells, “Miracle Man of Science”.

Pretty much all the characters I’m mentioning have at least one or two dozen stories during the Golden Age, by the way, after which they universally fade away.

Then there’s Molly The Model. I wonder if Stan Lee was inspired by the name when creating Millie The Model?

She’s surprisingly risqué for 1940.

Molly is not the only woman with her own series; there’s also the daredevil pilot Lee Preston.

There’s the Red Torpedo: a guy who invented “a torpedo that a man can navigate”. Isn’t that just a suicide submarine?

He’s quite boring, but the story is a snapshot of 1940’s view on world affairs.

Seriously, this issue has it all: superheroes, one-page gag comics, detective stories, romance stories, sports stories…

…a surprising amount of sport stories, in fact.
Including “They’re Still Talking About That Battle Of The World’s Greatest Hurdles”.
(spoiler alert: they are not.)

And finally we have Madam Fatal.

The world’s first (and presumably only?) habitually crossdressing superhero.

I swear you could try any idea in the Golden Age and it would sell.
Madam Fatal has TWENTY-TWO stories!!!
Black Condor, by comparison, has 33 Golden Age stories.