Continuing the issues of Legionnaires that I’m reading for the first time, let’s finish the 1993 batch.
Legionnaires #7 (1993)
written by Tom & Mary Bierbaum
pencils and cover by Adam Hughes
Hughes is well known for employing fanservice whenever he gets the chance; let’s see how many times the Bierbaums give him one.
The Legionnaires are visiting the Tritonis dome (the Atlantis colony where Lori Lemaris used to live), which is an important tourist destination on New Earth.
Not to sound heartless, but if Tritonis doesn’t have resources to provide, was it really worth the hassle of the amount of infrastructure needed to bring it to New Earth?
I’m not really feeling this characterization of the Legionnaires. Not only they’re still horndogs…
…but they’re also kind of racist by 30th century standards.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the amount of pointless fanservice is a bit much FOR ADAM HUGHES.
Also the Legionnaires are more than a bit braindead here.
Poor Matter-Eater Lad. He was also friendzoned in the 60s.
Something FINALLY happens when Inferno (the SW6 Sun Boy) discovers the Tritonis government is keeping quiet on some Devil-Fish attacks.
That sounds interesting, but we can’t allow it to overshadow the teen drama.
The Reboot Legion will get the nickname “Archie Legion” for its teenage cast and the (supposed) emphasis on teen drama, and as I’ve said before I believe it gets that reputation because people confuse these issues of Legionnaires as being the same characters of the Reboot.
Long distance boyfriend? Are we supposed to believe the SW6 Shrinking Violet still considers herself the girlfriend of Duplicate Boy!?
Granted, at this point the series STILL refuses to give an answer whether these are clones or not… but still, I find it ridiculous since she hasn’t even TRIED contacting him!!!
[EDIT: as pointed out in the comments, she’s probably referring to Devlin O’Ryan.. which still sounds weird to me, I didn’t get the impression they got that far]
At some point, the plot tries to involve the Legionnaires.
Luckily, SW6 Brainiac 5 is the only member with still half a brain.
You might remember the Devil-Fish from Superboy #202; obviously there’s no footnote.
Those who survived the destruction of Earth stuck around Tritonis, thinking that the Atlanteans were trying to kill the last survivors.
The ending sequence is… weird. The Legionnaires leave, with their host not saying much; but later, Shrinking Violet is the only one to think they were supposed to pay.
I suppose this was intended to make us see the Legionnaires as charmingly naïve.
I see them as morons.
And it would be bad enough if it was played for (unfunny) laughs… but no, our “heroes” just ruined a family for no reason.
Maybe you guys should have let Jamm from Annual 4 join.
You’re just as dumb.
Legionnaires #8 (1993)
written by Tom & Mary Bierbaum
pencils by Colleen Doran
cover by Chris Sprouse
Well this makes sense, why would Brainiac 5 stick around a team with an average IQ of 5 ?
I might have given Hughes too much credit for the fanservice.
But we’re not going to get ANOTHER swimsuit issue, because now Brainiac 5 has to go to Colu to accept an award.
Wait, why is HE going instead of the adult Brainy???
Speaking of Colu, is this the first time we hear of its capital Metaire?
Sounds like a reference to something.
The award has been cancelled because Brainy never showed up.
And Andromeda (the SW6 Laurel Gand) goes nuts over this, in a moment that feels really forced. Up to this point she’s been the no-nonsense of the team, now she has prophetic dreams!?
She’s suddenly a complete mess.
While Saturn Girl distracts his hysterical girlfriend (what is this, the 50s!?), Brainy confesses to Element Lad that he has decided to leave the team.
(unlike the others, I’m still calling him Element Lad because I refuse to use his stupid Alchemist codename)
This revelation comes out of nowhere. It’s not inconceivable for Coluan society to genetically engineer their people for specific purposes and to keep them as property of the state… that DOES sound something they could develop… but this comes DECADES after Brainiac 5 has been allowed to do whatever he wanted. And it’s decades both in-universe and in real time!!!
Both Brainiac 5 and Andromeda come out reeeeally bad from this development.
This is making your regular soap opera sound complex by comparison.
Come on, Supergirl had more emotional maturity in the 60s!!!
But Saturn Girl manages to make Brainiac 5 change his mind by giving him a nightmare of Andromeda’s funeral.
Aaaand he gets shot for it.
The smartest boy in the universe, ladies and gentlemen.
A planet of super-geniuses has come up with a brain drug that keeps you under control, unless you really really really don’t want to obey.
Sounds legit.
Ironically for a Legion superfan in general and a Reboot fan in particular, I’m usually not fond of series starring teenagers.
The good ones still win me over with clever writing and good characterization.
This… is not one of them.
Legionnaires #9 (1993)
written by Tom & Mary Bierbaum
pencils by Chris Sprouse, Adam Hughes and Brian Stelfreeze
cover by Chris Sprouse
At this point I’m rooting for all these characters to be stuck by lightning.
Never a good sign when THE CHARACTERS are bored to death.
I mean come on, you have the whole New Earth to develop!
An entire galaxy to explore!
A whole cast to play with, most of which HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING YET!
Heck you have two people in the team, Dragonmage and Catspaw, who are complete unknown… can’t you think of ANYTHING to do with them!?!?
After an encounter with the Khund, they crash the ship.
On the planet, Catspaw meets someone she knows.
Are we FINALLY giving her a characterization that doesn’t start and end with “horny catgirl”?
Don’t be silly.
Dragonmage meets his master. At this point we know him less than CATSPAW, people.
This is a bit too convenient, but Matter-Eater Lad doesn’t care because A) Violet is suddenly nice with him B) he’s a moron like all these people.
Oh good, having TWO Shrinking Violets wasn’t confusing enough, we needed three.
On the positive side, more rejects!!!
In addition to those two, I’m also including this red-legged girl.
Her name is Sadi and she’ll hang around Inferno for a bit.
[EDIT: I initially considered the guy shooting mousse to be a separate reject, but as pointed out in the comments that’s still Barber Boy]
Hey, after 9 issues we FINALLY do SOMETHING with the idea of a planet of refugees!!!
Too bad we are supposed to believe THE FOUNDERS are unable to deal with such a small riot.
In the confusion, after Cosmic Boy tells Live Wire to calm down, he’s killed.
Because, and I cannot emphasize this enough, these kids are morons.
Legionnaires #10 (1993)
written by Tom & Mary Bierbaum
pencils by Chris Sprouse, Adam Hughes and Stuart Immonen
cover by Chris Sprouse
Oh good, just what I needed to stop hating this series! Proty!
Yes, as you probably figured out, all the people found on this planet are Protys.
I just realized that, with her habit of using nicknames for the Legionnaires, Catspaw could have been the 5YL Shikari.
I’ve mentioned before that I hold Shikari in very high opinion, so yet another reason for why Catspaw is a complete failure.
Also, don’t like 99% of animal-themed superheroes get enhanced senses? You’d think those would be handy to spot a shapeshifter!
But eventually everyone is on the same page, and they fight the Khunds to protect the Protys.
Now wasn’t there a subplot about someone dying?
Cosmic Boy will survive. Live Wire’s reputation, probably not.
I would be more sympathetic towards those kids if they managed to do ONE thing right every once in a while.
Since New Earth needs resources stolen by Sklarian pirates, they arrange for an ambassador: Kono.
So at the first big crisis for New Earth, we’re not even going to rely on the Legionnaires team but ask for help from the adult team.
Also, wasn’t Kono’s mother killed in her backstory? Or is this her other mother?
Trying to address the New Earth situation in the same book that features horny teenagers ends up creating the weird juxtaposition of moving from a scene with food lines…
…to a scene where Inferno is picking up groupies in front of hungry children.
As for the Legionnaires protecting the Protys, they’re as successful as you’d think.
But eventually they manage to overcome the Khunds, who turns out have Kid Quantum hostage.
Because this series doesn’t hate me enough already.
Legionnaires #11 (1993)
written by Tom & Mary Bierbaum
pencils by Chris Sprouse & Joe Phillips
cover by Chris Sprouse
Let’s finish this batch and see if we can finally have a Kid Quantum story that makes sense.
In case you forgot… how I envy you… Kid Quantum is basically the incarnation of the sentience of all the members of the Protean race. Except the few individuals who kept their identity.
CAN’T YOU DO ONE THING RIGHT!?!?
So the Proteans begin the Ritual of Restoration that involves… uhm… I’m gonna be honest, guys, I have no clue what’s going on.
Apparently the key to the ritual is Dragonmage? Who wasn’t even supposed to be on this planet? WTF is going on!?!?
Maybe, just maybe, IF WE HAD ANY IDEA OF WHAT HIS POWERS ARE, we might understand Dragonmage’s role.
Whatever THAT was, it restored Kid Quantum’s form and his powers.
Whatever those are supposed to be.
I still think the only way to understand this reader is be a telepath and read the Bierbaums’ minds.
You are just obsessed with turning Live Wire into the most hated superhero ever, aren’t you?
Kid Quantum joins the team, because we don’t have enough underdeveloped characters yet (when was the last time we even saw Ferro and Colossal Boy?).
Also Chameleon Boy basically does the same exact mistake the entire team made at the end of Volume 3 and completely undermines the chain of command.
And we close with the Legionnaires helping during one of the riots…
…only for an injured kid to be revealed to be a booby trap.
Legion significance: 0/10
Aside from a couple of subplots notable for just this series, nothing comes to mind.
Silver Age-ness: 0/10
There’s SOME Silver Age-ness in Tritonis, but barely.
Depression scale: 6/10
New Earth is crumbling from within. All heroes are ineffectual idiots too dumb to notice.
Does it stand the test of time? 0/10
Some of the artwork is fine (except #8, what happened to Colleen Doran?).
That’s about it.
The plots are either simplistic, rushed or plainly incomprehensible, the action is forgettable, and worst of all: the characters. I don’t like a single Legionnaire here.
Even those who manage a couple of good scenes are completely derailed elsewhere (looking at you Andromeda).
Catspaw and Dragonmage are some of the blandest heroes I’ve ever seen, and the Bierbaums seem dedicated to turn Live Wire into absolute scum.
We are legion
32 active Legionnaires. Of these, 20 are in the “Legionnaires” team
2 on sick leave (Timber Wolf and SW6 Mon-El)
3 reserve members
32 resigned members
18 deceased members
83 people have been members
69 people have been rejected
Interesting letters: Live Wire and Inferno’s treatment of Cera Kesh in the previous issues was not appreciated by the readers.
The idea that they didn’t bring back Validus because of his complicated backstory is laughable to say the least, considering YOU BROUGHT BACK KID QUANTUM.
Simon expresses perfectly my problem with New Earth. It’s a fascinating setup and the series doesn’t even try using it!!!
I’ll have more to post later, but two points that need to be clarified:
1) Shrinking Violet’s long- distance boyfriend is Devlin O’Ryan, not long-ago Duplicate Boy
2) The person blasting “Mousse vision” is Barber Boy from the prior panel, not a separate reject character.
You’ve got a point on the reject; I forgot that mousse is a hair thing in addition to being a food thing, so I didn’t identify that with Barber Boy.
Does Violet consider really Devlin her boyfriend at this point? I didn’t get the impression they got to that point. Makes more sense than Duplicate Boy, but still a bit awkward.
The Tritonis government is hushing up the Devil-Fish attacks so they don’t hurt the tourist industry? Another entry for my list of Jaws ripoffs.
I’m also hearing the Protean’s murmured “the ritual… the ritual…” in the voice of the Toy Story aliens (“the claw….”), but that came out in 1995.
Probably the weirdest thing about Legionnaires is that the main book is so badly overwritten, with plots that move at a glacial pace and so many threads that many are forgotten before they can go anywhere, while this book is underwritten, with simplistic plots that are over before they’ve even begun. Both books are too crowded to give much time to characterization, but this book is particularly bad for its one- or two-note characters.
“I’m Garth and I’m angry. And I love Imra.”
“I’m Rokk and I’m solid. And I love Imra.”
“I’m Imra and I’m perky.”
“I’m Catspaw and I’m horny. And violent.”
“I’m Ferro Lad and I exist.”
“I’m Salu and I’m shy. And horny.”
Actually, maybe the weirdest thing about this book is that the Beirbaums clearly wanted to re-write the Legion’s Adventure days, but now that they’ve got the team they wanted, they’re barely writing them. What exactly was the plan?
This boom seems to exist in its own continuity bubble, avoiding mention of the adult team at all costs. Villains should notice that the legionnaires have de-aged. Even the general public should notice. The legionnaires were very public figures for decades and now they’re half their ages! The general public on New Earth should also all be struggling with severe trauma after the way the planet blew up out from under them. But I suppose these things just happen.
Brainy was created by Coluan scientists? Since when? His genealogy is extremely well established, especially in this period with R.E.B.E.L.S. chronicling the power struggle between the infant Lyrl Dox (Brianiac 3) and Vril Dox (Brainiac 2).
When the Legion is a cameo in its own comic series, you know we’ve got SOME problem!