Superman #224

Superman #224 (1970)
by Robert Kanigher & Curt Swan

Deciding when exactly the Silver Age ends is not always clear with Superman; but if this isn’t officially part of the era, it’s definitely “I-can’t-believe-this-is-not-the-Silver-Age” material.

WARNING: this is a Robert Kanigher story.
You are running the risk of losing brain cells.

This is an Imaginary Story, set in one of the many timelines where Superman actually does marry Lois Lane.

Has tragedy struck already?

No, because Superman gave her a serum that made Lois completely invulnerable.
So while “what if Superman married Lois” and “Lois gets powers” stories are a dime a dozen, this opens up several narrative possibilities.
She doesn’t get ALL of Superman’s powers, only his invulnerability.

This could get into several interesting directions, depending on which question the comic wants to answer.
Will Lois accept keeping her normal life now that she has a superpower?
Will Lois become jealous of Superman’s other powers?
Will Lois get angry at Superman for not telling her about this power for a whole year?
Will Lois suspect that Superman engineered this “accident” just to test the serum?

NOPE: this entire thing is immediately dropped and won’t have much impact on the rest of the story.
Basically the only victim is the plot.

Time to find a new plot then. Like two criminals spying on the super-couple.

Their plan is to peep into their bedroom.
With separate beds of course: the Comics Code wouldn’t even allow married couples to be shown sharing the same bed.

They definitely did sleep together though.

Obviously Superman dreams that his son will be a carbon copy of himself… which, considering that he looks exactly like Jor-El and Jor-El’s father, isn’t unreasonable.
Lois instead dreams that she’s going to have a blonde daughter. Which isn’t entirely out of the question either (Lois’s sister is blonde and occasionally so is her mother).

The criminals are scheming something regarding Superman’s child.
You might be wondering: if they’ve been able to spy on Superman that easily, even if they can’t threaten Lois (because she’s invulnerable) surely they could expose his secret identity right?
Well… there is NO MENTION of Clark Kent during this ENTIRE story.Either
he completely ditched his human identity after marriage, or perhaps in this timeline he never had one to begin with.

Lois gives birth at home, with the comic keeping the child’s look a mystery… even though WE SAW HIM ON THE COVER.

Yeah that’s the best you could hope for in a reaction, Lois.

And speaking of the child… yes the cover didn’t lie, he really DOES look like that.
Man I hope Lois got a C-section.

The entire reason why Superman’s son looks the way he does is thanks to the criminals exposing Lois to weird rays.

And speaking of Lois: despite all evidence to the contrary, the child isn’t mind-controlling her.
The way she’s utterly oblivious to how this little gremlin is anything but a normal baby is so unsettling that it crosses into horror territory.

The child… who doesn’t even get a real name, so I’m going to call him Super-Brat… is one of he most obnoxious characters I have ever covered, WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING.

Superman, Father Of The Year 1970.

I cannot stress this enough: this is all ACCORDING TO PLAN.

You might have heard about the Time Cube, but have you considered the possibility that even that theory wasn’t insane enough?

Also: this tangent about circular time takes up a whole page and NEVER COMES UP AGAIN.

Again: this is all ACCORDING TO PLAN.

Said plan was NOT to make Superman dumb in order to make his son smarter.
I think Kanigher just thought Superman was an idiot.

Do you have ANY idea of how hard it is to make me dislike an insufferably smug supergenius!?
My favorite fictional character is Doctor Doom and my favorite incarnation of Brainiac 5 is from the Reboot… I love that archetype!
But Super-Brat? I can’t stand this thing.

I don’t have children so I can’t exactly relate, but I’m sure that if Super-Brat were my son I would blame everything on my wife and leave the universe forever.

We interrupt this crap to bring you an interesting Superman conundrum.
There’s a hurricane about to strike the coast, and Superman can’t just redirect it because it would end up destroying some ships.

Pop quiz! You are Superman: what would YOU do in this situation?

A) move all ships to the other side of the planet, then redirect the storm
B) use super-breath to completely cancel out the storm
C) take the opportunity to fake your death and avoid responsibility for spawning an abomination
D) create a nuclear explosion to cancel out the storm
E) freeze the ocean with super-breath and use it to build a gigantic wall

I don’t think that my idea of Kanigher believing Superman is a stupid needs more proof.

You just made me agree with Super-Brat!!! You monster!!!

Remember when I said there is no mention of Clark Kent in this story?
Aside from Lois and stopping catastrophes, Superman has absolutely nothing to do the whole day.

You hope to gain the respect of Super-Brat by completing a puzzle intended for a child!?
What part of your interactions with him could have POSSIBLY made you believe it???

Especially when he can’t even do THAT.

Should have looked at the box more closely, Superman.

Impeccable fatherhood, no notes.

I don’t know if it’s funny or tragic that they STILL HAVEN’T NAMED THE BABY.

The puzzle was a plot point…

…because it is absolutely vital that you understand THIS WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG.

I’m not giving these morons any points for discovering Superman’s identity, if he married Lois as Superman he already lost it.
Other than that… THIS is the entire plan.

Step 1) use a ray on Lois that will make her baby super-smart
Step 2) don’t use it on yourself
Step 3) somehow never be discovered by Superman
Step 4) somehow know the ray won’t make Lois smarter
Step 5) somehow know the ray won’t make Superman smarter
Step 6) send a puzzle for Superman’s child with a clue on where to find your lair
Step 7) somehow know Superman won’t discover the clue first
Step 8) somehow know the child will instantly become super-bored by his intelligence
Step 9) wait for the child to leave home
Step 10) hope the child will follow your clue
Step 11) offer the child a private laboratory
Step 12) world domination… SOMEHOW

How could that airtight plan POSSIBLY fail???

Super-Brat, who I remind you has the power of a god and is smart enough to have discovered that time is a circle, enacts his big plan… extortion.
Sounds legit.

This turns into, of course… NOT a baby battle. What are you, a creep!?

This whole time, Super-Brat has been running secret experiments… to make himself immune from Kryptonite.

Except it doesn’t really work: the menace of Super-Brat is finally over.

Superman found a way to put an end to this nightmare. Let’s celebrate with a time-honored game of “Guess the stupid ending”!
How did Superman stop Super-Brat?

A) exposing his son to a brain-damaging serum
B) doing nothing: the effects of the original rays were always temporary
C) using the circular time discovered by his son
D) using super-hypnotism to convince him he’s a regular baby
E) revealing he’s not the real father: Super-Brat is the love child of Hector Hammond and the Leader

The thing you have to remember about pre-Crisis Superman is the he’s just. THE. WORST.

Think I’m being too harsh? Well consider that:
1) at absolutely no point does Superman EVER try to teach ANYTHING to his son
2) he exposed Super-Brat to the anti-brain serum BEFORE he committed any crime and simply waited for the stuff to have an effect
3) his priority is STILL to get the anti-Kryptonite serum!!!

JUST. THE. WORST.

There is a story to be told where Super-Brat grows up to be the next Superman and discovers what his father did to him.
I would pay to read that follow-up.
Not with money, but still.

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Historical significance: 0/10
Is it any wonder that it would take Lois Lane another 45 years before giving birth?

Silver Age-ness: ∞ / Kanigher

Does it stand the test of time? 0 / BABY

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This story is… well you know… but it holds a special place in my heart because it was discussed in some of the earliest reviews of “bad Superman stories” that I can remember.
As such, I did something I never do beyond the Legion retrospective: I looked through later issues to see what readers thought of it.

From #226, we have the only smart thing involved with this comic… Curt Swan smuggling his name. Nice touch.

And that’s it.
That’s the ONLY time I could find the letters page acknowledging the Superman #224 story.
Not that I’m surprised… also from #225, this is what DC was doing in the letters page, folks.

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Like I did other times: what was DC doing on its other titles with a cover date of February 1970?

On the Superman books we had Action Comics #385 (a FAR superior story, and I didn’t even like it that much), while both Adventure Comics with Supergirl and Lois Lane were very much still stuck in the 60s.

While Superman was still stuck in the past though, the rest of DC Comics was trying to move into the 70s.

With mixed results, considering we’re in the “Mod Wonder Woman” era.

Compared to the last time I did this, in the same month Marvel was in a bit of decline.
Kirby would only stay on Fantastic Four for another 4 months.

But we are still in the Lee/Romita era for Spider-Man and the Thomas/Buscema era for the Avengers.

Despite that, while sales figures from the 70s are very hard to find, it is usually estimated that Marvel would not begin to outsell DC until 1972.

So it’s extremely likely that Fantastic Four #98 was outsold by Superman #224.