In celebration of one of the most insane series of the Silver Age and beyond, before we tackle the other pre-Crisis appearances let’s have a look at the main series itself.
Historical significance: 4/10
The vast, VAST majority of the series is completely forgotten by the rest of the DC Universe.
Silver Age-ness: 100/10
That’s the AVERAGE. There are certainly a few issues that are not very Silver Age in the end, and a few here and there are merely 10/10… but come on.
Does it stand the test of time? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Talk about a tough call. It really, REALLY depends if you’re doing it straight or if the audience is in on the joke.
If you take everything at face value, if I’m being generous it’s a 1/10: there’s just no way to take this stuff seriously. Heck it wasn’t taken seriously in the Silver age either!
However… if you lean in the absurdity and treat is as satire or parody… I can see some of the more zany situations and characters still working. Even THAT barely pushes it to a 6/10, though.
And now, ladies and gentlemen: the Metal Awards!
BEST METAL MAN
Winner: PLATINUM
It goes without saying, right? She has the most personality, is the one most likely to save the entire team AND the most likely to get the entire team killed… she carries a good chunk of the series by herself.
And while she’s an utterly insane stalker, you can’t help but feel a little sad for her because she’s madly in love with a psychopath.
Runner-up: TIN
He’s completely useless 99% of the time, his stammering gets old very fast, and overall he’s deservedly the butt of the joke for the rest of the team. He’s still the second most effective and second most developed Metal Man in the team.
Third place: MERCURY
Yeah he has a horrible personality. But at least he has, you know, A PERSONALITY.
Honorable mention: NAMELESS
Trust me, you’re going to cry when we get to her last story.
WORST METAL MAN
Winner: LEAD
Go ahead, tell me something about his personality besides him being slow. I’ll wait.
Runner-up: GOLD
How bad is it? Looking for a panel that showed anything, ANYTHING remarkable about him was the longest part in preparing the Metal Awards.
He is just… so… dull!!! The only reason he’s better than Lead is the little character development at the end of the series.
Third place: IRON
He does get some character development and a personality… at the end of the series. While I absolutely adore the way Walt Simonson draws him, it’s far too little and far too late.
Dishonorable mention: FAKE PLATINUM
Metal Men #3 answers the question nobody asked: what if Tina was as boring as her teammates?
BEST HERO
Winner: GREEN LANTERN’S RING
It does more than Green Lantern himself.
Runner-up: GREEN LANTERN
He does more in half a cameo than the supposed protagonists in 50 issues.
Third place: WONDER WOMAN
While she doesn’t even try to fight The Inheritor, she’s instrumental in securing a very rare victory for robot rights. And she doesn’t even ask to be given the credit because it’s all thanks to her secret identity!!!
Honorable mention: THE METAL WOMEN
They WERE effective in Metal Men #32 for a while!
WORST HERO
Winner: THE METAL MEN
You guys SUCK.
Runner up: BATMAN
Metal Men #21 proves that the 1966 series exists as a separate show in the DC Universe and that Batman’s priority is to promote it above all else.
Third place: THE INHERITOR
He was created to be a better hero than the Metal Men. He ends up trying to murder them in front of the entire world.
Dishonorable mention: THE DC UNIVERSE
Yes, every single other superhero gets a dishonorable mention because NOBODY ELSE shows up even when the situation gets catastrophic! They are somewhat excused at the very beginning, when it wasn’t entirely clear if the Metal Men were living in the same universe, but…
BEST VILLAIN
Winner: CHEMO
As the legend himself says:
Runner up: VOLCANO MAN
Is he stupid? Oh yeah. Metal Men #35 any good? Not that good. But damn if he’s not epic!
Third place: ECLIPSO
He doesn’t exactly match the Metal Men’s tone, but that’s part of the charm and his issues were great.
Honorable mention: DOC MAGNUS
Who else causes as much grief?
WORST VILLAIN
Winner: DR.YES
Look, 99% of Metal Men villains suck. But only one sucks AND is a racist stereotype AND is a complete ripoff of another stereotype.
Runner up: DOCTOR STRANGEGLOVE
At least the goofy villains from the Kanigher era were funny.
Third place: BALLOON MAN
Now that’s just pathetic.
Dishonorable mention: THE LEOPARD MASK GANG
Remember those losers from Metal Men #28? Of course you don’t because they don’t look anything like a “leopard mask gang”!!!
BEST ALIEN EVIL ROBOT
The Robot Queen from Metal Men #4. Only in this series you could get the power-mad giant robot tyrant that turns robots into giants by feeding them fruits.
BEST ELEMENTAL ROBOT: Plutionium Man
Who else thinks he pulls off the Doc Magnus look better than Doc Magnus himself?
MOST WASTED CHARACTER: The Sizzler
A near-omnipotent energy creature that can’t speak properly and falls in love with Doc Magnus… and she’s just blown up between issues.
BEST MONSTER WHO IS NOT CHEMO
The Solar Brain from Metal Men #7
BEST STORY
Winner: Metal Men #54
Tina, Mercury, Gold and even Iron get great character development. FREAKING IRON. This issue is as good as Metal Men gets. 
Runner-up: Metal Men #46
The Metal Men fighting Chemo in Venice? Drawn by Walt Simonson? Sign me up!!!
Third place: Metal Men #45
The revival immediately kicks into high gear with a fantastic Steve Gerber script.
WORST STORY
Winner: Metal Men #53
There are dumber issues. There are more insane issues. There are more boring issues. But all other choices either have a good idea that got botched or are, at least, funny and/or entertaining.
And then there’s Doctor Strange Glove.
Runner-up: Metal Men #38
We interrupt this superhero science fiction series to bring you one of the lesser Scooby Doo ripoffs…
Third place: Metal Men #39
…immediately followed by an even lesser ripoff of the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
BEST COVER
Metal Men #37 is one of the worst issues, but I have to admit the cover is pretty awesome.
WORST COVER
Metal Men #6 looks extremely rough.
BEST PANEL
Admittedly it’s mostly thanks to what comes earlier, which makes this moment one of their few “big damn heroes” moments, but still.
WORST PANEL
MOST MEME-WORTHY PANEL
MOST SILVER AGE PANEL
This was harder than it sounds: with so many issues going FAR beyond the typical Silver Age madness, what panel would be more aligned with the “normal” Silver Age?
So I’m going with Metal Men #7: Magnus is painstakingly describing the utterly absurd premise, to himself, without anyone else to hear him. Plus this moment exists to replicate the cover scene and is quite disconnected from most of the rest of the story.
BEST TECHNOBABBLE
MOST FANSERVICE SPLASH PAGE
Thanks to the technicality that this is NOT a panel, Tina loses the “most fanservice panel” award, which goes to…
MOST FANSERVICE PANEL
…Iron, of all robots!!!
WORST FANSERVICE PANEL
KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!
BEST “YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP” PANEL
Imagine, if you will, having to explain Metal Men #11 to someone who is not on drugs: “There’s a team of robots that gets ambushed by a couple of mines what have made sentient by Neptune”.
And THEN you have to add “the sentient mines throw harpoons made of sharks”.
BEST TITLE IN HUMAN LITERATURE
No matter what the future brings, we will always have the fact that the human species came up with the title “Birthday Cake For A Cannibal Robot”.
