We are finally at the very last two Secret Wars II tie-ins. Those that arguably should’ve been part of the miniseries itself.
Thing #30 (1985)
by Mike Carlin & Ron Wilson
We will soon have a heartfelt and deep story. But first the complete freaking opposite: let’s have some dumb fun with a very fun premise.
We begin with the Beyonder getting drunk at a bar and starting a fight.
I think he may have a problem.
This gets the attention of a recruiter from the “Ultimate Class Wrestling Federation”, which organizes wrestling matches between super-strong people.
That’s one of the weirdest yet oddly realistic corners of the Marvel Universe, and the Thing in this period has left the Fantastic Four to be a professional wrestler.
His supporting cast includes, of all people, a teenage Vance Astro. Who will eventually grow up to become Justice and join the New Warriors, then later the Avengers.
The Beyonder can’t really join the wrestling federation, however, because he’s WAY too strong and would utterly crash the competition.
Who would’ve thought we’d get this level of realism from wrestling!?!?
The Thing, of all people, is the one pushing to wrestle the Beyonder…
…because he blames the Beyonder for all the bad things (pun intended) that happened to him lately.
The reasons for this are… complicated. It has to do with Alicia dumping him while he was busy with the original Secret Wars, plus various shenanigans that happened to the Thing after he stayed on Battleworld.
So a match is scheduled. And I guess we have confirmation that the Beyonder has a drinking problem.
The Thing is taking it a little more seriously.
The Beyonder’s wrestling outfit is shockingly boring. How does he look weirder with his “regular” clothes than like this!? Maybe it’s the tiny head.
So, uhm, yeah this story is about wrestling the Beyonder.
As far as I know, THIS is the only explicit reference made during all the tie-ins to the Beyonder having Michael Jackson’s hair.
Weirdly enough, the Beyonder isn’t using his strength in the fight. This feels like the Thing is fighting a weirdly buff Spider-Man.
Until eventually the Thing uses an entire splash page to tell the Beyonder what the readers have been itching to say to his face for the longest time.
This is happening because the Beyonder is not fighting back, or even healing himself. He wants to die.
The Thing is SO angry at the Beyonder that he wants to kill him (!!!) but two people from the crowd ask him to stop: Vance Astro, and future love interest Sharon Ventura (who you might remember as the second Ms. Marvel and the first and hopefully only She-Thing).
The Thing hears their pleads… and he freaking MURDERS THE BEYONDER.
Well at least he TRIES.
And we end with the Beyonder going back to getting drunk.
Recommended reading? Not for the tie-in
The Thing series is WEIRD after Secret Wars, both in the good and the bad ways. It also alternates between dumb fun and some dark moments, mostly because the Thing is deeply depressed throughout this period. Even more so than usual.
Did the Beyonder REALLY need to show up? Yes
While the story doesn’t do much with him, what it does is better than usual. Speaking of which…
Should this have been in the miniseries? Yes
…swap the horrendous Secret Wars II #7 with this one any day.
Doctor Strange vol.2 #74 (1985)
by Peter B. Gillis & Mark Badger
It’s surprising how few tie-ins feature the Beyonder on the cover. Especially being beaten up, which of course is always a treat.
This is set in the period where Strange’s love interest Clea is the ruler of the Dark Dimension, after having defeated her uncle Dormammu. That’s why her head is on fire.
It has nothing to do with the story, but this is a fun run.
Sensing someone is observing him, Strange returns to Earth. And he’s surprised that the Beyonder has already been to his Sanctum Sanctorum, unsettling both Wong and Sara Wolfe, a minor supporting character from this period.
This is different from the usual Beyonder intrusions into other titles; instead of seeing the action directly, we’re hearing the story from characters who don’t know him.
I think this works better at making him otherworldly.
In this story, Doctor Strange acts as if this is the very first time he learns about the Beyonder.
Which is weird because this was published after Secret Wars II #5, where he was among the heroes needlessly attacking him.
Being Doctor Strange, maybe he was time-traveling.
The Beyonder is still in New York, drowning his sorrows after being rejected by Dazzler in Secret Wars II #4, his inability to die in the Thing tie-in, and the general existential dread of being drawn by Al Milgrom for so long.
Strange shows up at the bar to stop the Beyonder from making a scene.
And it’s, uhm, it’s not how you would have imagined these characters meeting for the first time.
A dramatic re-enactment of what it feels like reviewing over forty Secret Wars II stories in a row.
Trying to understand just WTF the Beyonder is, Doctor Strange uses his Eye of Agamotto to probe his mind…
…and it FREAKS HIM OUT.
Do you have ANY idea what kind of existential horror you must be to scare the crap out of a guy who fights Super-Cthulhu on a regular basis!?
Even considering THAT, however, Strange proves to be way smarter than all the other Marvel heroes combined… at least if we go by their actions in the miniseries… and decides “hey instead of antagonizing the child-minded god, why not try to educate him?”.
Strange then proceeds to show the Beyonder an extended version of his origin story.
This is done to show that if Strange used to be a jackass and turned out to be a hero, the Beyonder can do the same.
This is a valiant effort, although knowing the Beyonder I’m afraid Strange has overestimated his ability to understand complex ideas.
It’s basically “with great powers come great responsibility” when you get down to it.
And that’s why the Beyonder went through a phase of wanting to help others.
Too bad he really, REALLY sucked at it.
Recommended reading? Yes
The Gillis run is one of my favorite on Doctor Strange, but it’s also a good use of the Beyonder.
Mark Badger’s artwork does it little favors, though: it’s perfect for some of the weird dimensions where Strange ends up, but it’s extremely rough everywhere else.
Did the Beyonder REALLY need to show up? Yes
Someone needed to sit down with the Beyonder and give him a heartfelt lecture. It’s not Doctor Strange’s fault that the Beyonder is too dumb to retain the lesson.
Should this have been in the miniseries? Yes
I think THIS is how the Beyonder should have been written, at least past his blond phase. More importantly, it gives context for his “good Samaritan phase” that is completely absent from the miniseries itself.
And it’s FINALLY all the tie-ins. All that’s left is the epilogue and we can leave Secret Wars II behind for good.