Because apparently I haven’t suffered enough, let’s go through this mess one last time.
Historical significance: 2/10
In-universe, very few things introduced in this miniseries will go anywhere. The most significant are probably Boom-Boom and the creation of Kurse, but most X-Men and Thor fans don’t even know they had anything to do with Secret Wars II.
In reality, the greatest impact Secret Wars II had was discouraging Marvel from ever attempting a crossover in the same style. Which is kind of what happened: future company-wide crossovers will still have way too many tie-ins, but you won’t HAVE to read those to understand the main plot.
Silver Age-ness: 10/10
Don’t get me wrong, 99% of Marvel’s Silver Age was way better than this, but still there are some truly absurd moments that would’ve been way more acceptable then.
Does it stand the test of time? 1/10
There are a couple of good moments here and there if you go look for them. But overall, this is a complete trainwreck. I could look past the atrocious artwork if the story was any good, but…
The tone is all over the place, the plot is often nonsense or sometimes absent, every character is a complete idiot, any serious philosophical point is undermined by unfunny comedy, the Beyonder is a wildly inconsistent protagonist, there’s a surprising amount of mean-spirited moments that come out of nowhere, the dialogue is often a wall of text that doesn’t say anything, and I don’t like it.
And now, ladies and gentlemen… let’s suffer together through the Secret Awards II.
BEST HERO
Winner: Iron Fist
He’s basically the only one who tries to reason with the Beyonder without freaking out! If it wasn’t for Luke Cage interrupting him, we might have skipped the worst of the Beyonder.
Runner-up: the Beyonder
Yep! In issue #6 he basically cures world hunger and saves who knows how many lives. But it’s apparently a bad thing because Captain America values freedom or something. 
Third place: Molecule Man
It takes him a while but AT LEAST HE DOES SOMETHING, which is more than you could say about the others.
WORST HERO
Winner: the X-Men
Every hero in this series is an idiot to some extent, and the X-Men are not the only ones to lose their minds as soon as they see the Beyonder. But the way they didn’t care in the slightest for Boom-Boom, who was going to commit suicide literally in their backyard, makes the X-Men look especially bad.
Runner-up: Captain America
#NotMySteveRogers 
Third place: Silver Surfer
WHERE WERE YOU!?
Dishonorable mention: every single Marvel superhero
You guys couldn’t have handled this mess any worse. 
BEST VILLAIN
Winner: Mephisto
Relatively speaking. This is still one of the worst renditions of Mephisto, but considering the competition at least he stands out!
Second place: Vinnie
He’s not an antagonist, but he IS a drug lord. And easily the smartest character in this series (not that it’s a real accomplishment).
Third place: …
WORST VILLAIN
Winner: Thundersword
NOTHING about him fits this miniseries and he’s a dumb idea to begin with.
Runner-up: the Accursed Legion
Worst. Super-villain team. EVER.
Third place: the Beyonder
The guy who decides to destroy all of existence and then decides not to because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
BEST STORY
Winner: Secret Wars II #2
The only issue to explore what the whole series was supposed to be about.
Runner-up: Secret Wars II #6
The only other decent issue. There’s plenty of dumb stuff, but the whole Death storyline is great.
Third place: Secret Wars II #5
Boom-Boom can get a bit irritating, but having the Beyonder interact with AN ACTUAL CHARACTER is a breath of fresh air.
WORST STORY
Winner: Secret Wars II #7
The story that has the Thing defeat EVERY MARVEL SUPERVILLAIN AT ONCE, and a weapon powered by the universe itself that is useless if the target doesn’t sit in the same place for hours.
Runner-up: Secret Wars II #1
Any attempt to turn the Beyonder into a character is relegated to the second issue: the first one is mostly centered around a mean-spirited Steve Gerber parody that has nothing to do with anything. 
Third place: Secret Wars II #8
The Beyonder spends the whole time being angry and bitter, and the other characters are so irritating that I even agree with him. A thoroughly unpleasant story to read.
BEST SUPPORTING CHARACTER: this woman
BEST COSMIC ENTITY: Death
WORST COSMIC ENTITY: everyone else
MOST RANDOM CAMEO: Circuit Breaker
MOST SILVER AGE PANEL
WORST HAIR: the Beyonder
MOST MEME-WORTHY PANEL
A tie.
BEST REACTION SHOT
WORST REACTION SHOT
MOST FANSERVICE PANEL
Surprisingly tame, considering the excesses of Jim Shooter in his Dazzler graphic novel and in a story that includes a woman committing suicide because nobody else makes love like the Beyonder.
FUNNIEST PANEL
BEST PANEL
The last issue gives us the best artwork that Al Milgrom provides for the series.
Just kidding. There are a couple of decent ones.
WORST PANEL
BEST SPLASH PAGE
BEST COVER
To be clear, none of the Secret Wars II covers are GOOD. But this one comes close.
WORST COVER
Kind of fitting that it belongs to the worst issue.
And that is SERIOUSLY the last I have to say about the miniseries. Next we’ll have a quick look at the tie ins, a few of which are even good.
When you’re the boss, no one will tell you your idea stinks.
Any tie-ins that you liked, no matter how little the connection?
A few; in the next batch I’ll go through each of them, so you’ll see.
Good thing that a subsequent Marvel exec’s musings on the meaning of life – the somehow even more baffling and awful than Secret Wars II Marville – falls outside this site’s general timeframe. I’d hate to see the Archeologist suffer through that, though the results would no doubt be golden.
Now now, I know SWII is bad and unfunny, but compared to Marville it’s Watchmen.