Legion of Super-Heroes v4 #33-37

This is almost the end of the Giffen period, so let’s power through the rest of the issues before the earth-shattering #38.
(no spoilers in the comments for those who don’t know what I’m talking about… let them keep a sliver of hope for a while)
Get your antidepressants ready, because this is going to be a long one.

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Legion of Super-Heroes v4 #33 (1992)
written by Tom & Mary Bierbaum
pencils by David A. Williams & Chris Sprouse
cover by Karl Story

Because there isn’t enough stuff going on in the present day, we’re introducing a “lost Legionnaire” from the past.

We follow Chameleon Boy in his search for R.J.Brande, who he last saw even earlier than the five year gap.
It’s understandable for him to undertake this personal mission, it’s not like there’s anything else going on. Other than the Moon blowing up killing billions of people LESS THAN A MONTH AGO and with Earth under military siege.
(yes I’m still going on about that)

Lightning Lad… or rather Proty I, after the insane Annual #3 retcon… feels guilty about not following Chameleon Boy, since this involves the very important Kid Quantum.

This entire thing is about something called the Soul of Antares, which the Dominators also want.

They also recruit Hunter, which makes me wonder: if they had access to him, why the heck did they bother to use Roxxas at the beginning of the series?
Hunter is WAY more emotionally stable and reliable: did Roxxas bring ANYTHING to the table?

Chameleon Boy eventually finds Brande.

So what the heck is this about? We are informed of the first time Brande interacted with the Proteans, several years ago…

…and that their race resisted an attempted takeover by Glorith, because hoping we could go too long without bringing her into this was asking too much.

This is an interesting concept but a weird retcon (what else is new for 5YL?), because apparently the ENTIRE Protean race lost sentience with the exception of only seven individuals.
Which isn’t a bad idea for a plot, but is a bit at odds with how both Proty and Proty II were initially considered just regular members of their species. And, most importantly, the fact that we did see Proteans in the background in SEVERAL stories.

Hunter ends up defeating Chameleon Boy rather easily, and R.J.Brande is acting uncharacteristically cowardly.

Luckily for the Legionnaire, Hunter is so fixated on hunting that he gives him a fighting chance if it means pushing Brande to reveal the location of the Soul of McGuffin.
So I guess that answers my question for why the Dominators didn’t hire him… Hunter ALSO sucks at his job.

Chameleon Boy also spots Kid Quantum showing up and declaring that he is the Soul of Antares, while also hyping up Kid Quantum’s retcon membership.

It never ceases to amaze me just how much Glorith sucks as an overarching villain.
Kid Quantum’s thing is that he needed to fake his own death to make sure she’d never find him… something that doesn’t really work considering we BARELY saw Glorith as a villain, and what we did wasn’t impressive enough to make this work.

It’s ultimately the Proteans who save the day, because they were impersonating a couple of supporting characters that I didn’t find interesting enough to cover.

That was a bit lame, but having Chameleon Boy grow extra arms so he can punch more is really creative.

And that’s how Kid Quantum ends up fulfilling his destiny.

Or is it? His ship is taken over by yet another dangling subplot.

Back on Earth, meanwhile, SW6 Saturn Girl notices SW6 Lightning Lad is acting like “his old self”. Because for some unfathomable reason the Bierbaums are convinced that he had a different personality before his death.

But more importantly, they find a couple more teenage heroes who survived the Dominators.
Remember Crystal Kid, from Legion Academy? He’s not really that important.
But we do meet two new heroes: the feline Catspaw and magician Dragonmage…

…and more importantly a familiar face.
This is Danielle, who you might remember as the young sister of Invisible Kid II who was possessed by Computo in the AWESOME Annual #1… and who we now learn gained the power to talk to computers.

The text page is a profile of Kid Quantum, which is THE ONLY PLACE that actually mentions what his powers were.

He’s also retroactively established as being the first Legionnaire to die (!!!) and the whole reason for why the Legion doesn’t allow tech-based powers.

The Grid: 17 pages out of 25
7 pages without a grid
0 splash pages
1 text page

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Legion significance: 4/10
This is a truly bizarre case. Kid Quantum’s story doesn’t really go anywhere in this period… but he’s a legitimate character in the Reboot.
Because that infodump about his death and him being the reason for the rule about tech powers will actually play out in the Reboot, where we will get to SEE those exact events!
He will also have a sister joining the Legion later on, even becoming leader.
In addition to all that, three of the kids meeting the SW6 will later become Legionnaires.
Despite all of the above… the kids will get proper introductions later, and the influence of Kid Quantum on THIS continuity isn’t all that much.

 Silver Age-ness: 1/10
One of the Proteans disguises himself as a robot taking bribes.

Depression scale: 0/10
This is just the SECOND time that the despair is this low (last time was issue 9 if you’re curious).

Does it stand the test of time? 6/10
It’s the first 5YL issue in a while that I don’t actively hate, so… an improvement, I guess?
The whole “Soul of Antares” has potential and a few fans, but it falls completely flat for me.
Sorry but I can’t manage to feel ANYTHING for Kid Quantum’s plight and his fight for the freedom of his people! On paper, it’s a pretty good plot. But without ANY introduction, all I’m left with is asking myself why should I even care.

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Legion of Super-Heroes v4 #34 (1992)
plot and breakdowns by Keith Giffen
dialogue and story assist by Tom & Mary Bierbaum
pencils by Jason Pearson
cover by Karl Story

Oh, right, there’s supposed to be a war going on during this.

Leland McCauley, who you might remember as Brande’s ruthless business rival, is offering to the United Planets to disable the Dominator technology that is jamming all communications.
For a price, obviously.

We also see how the United Planets get their news about the Earth invasion.
Is that a Tamaranean woman? It would be ironic if the 5YL timeline was one of the very few where Starfire’s home planet doesn’t explode.

I’ll be honest, my eyes are just glazing over the war stuff at this point.

I’ve also completely lost track of what is supposed to be the relationship between Universo, the Dark Circle and the Dominators.
No, really, someone please explain to me: who is working with who at this point?

Me, after every single 5YL review.

We also follow Circe, Bounty and Spider Girl breaking into a Science Police base.
I should point out that, up to now:
A) Spider Girl has done nothing in the proper comic. We’ve only been told about her escapades in the text pages.
B) We still don’t know who Bounty is, why she’s around, and SHE HASN’T DONE ANYTHING
C) Circe was the one manipulating Sun Boy on behalf of the Dominators, but I guess we’re supposed to consider her one of the good guys now because she feels bad after they killed untold millions?

At this point we have TWENTY-EIGHT ACTIVE LEGIONNAIRES but we’re following these three. Why is this book even called “Legion of Super-Heroes” if the Legionnaires are the characters showing up the least!?

I mean those three are the ones who purge the Dominator database…

…while the Legion is still SITTING ON ITS #SS.
Laurel at least the excuse of recovering after the B.I.O.N. fight…

…but Cosmic Boy SUCKS.
With EVERYTHING THAT’S GOING ON, you’re seriously sitting this one out because the United Planets asked you!?
SINCE WHEN DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT WHAT THE UNITED PLANETS ASK???

The lesson from this arc is that superheroes are completely useless and that you should just let cops, soldiers and spies handle the serious stuff.

Even the Substitute Commandos, who used to be THE ONLY ONES DOING ANYTHING, are just stuck debating about the fact that Sade was more effective than them.
And Sade is YET ANOTHER CHARACTER WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!!!

EVEN WORSE, there’s even a debate about the fact that Grinn was right in detonating the Dominator chambers.
Honestly I even forgot that happened because that’s what, the fourth time in this series that countless people died in a cataclysm? I’m so desensitized at this point that all the destruction porn is merging together.
Also, that guy who seems to be eight feet tall is supposed to be Tyroc.
You know, the worst dressed Legionnaire ever with the power to make random stuff happen when he screams? Yeah that guy has been completely useless the entire time.

Possibly worst of all: Mon-El, who is ACKNOWLEDGED IN THE STORY as being able to stop this war single-handedly, is just sitting this one out because of vague philosophical reasons.
So… is this comic SERIOUSLY asking us to side with the murder-happy unknown and not with Space Jesus With A Cape Mon-El????

Speaking of being desensitized: NOBODY ELSE has acknowledged that even three more Legionnaires died two issues ago!!!

Duo Damsel trying to comfort Element Lad would hit differently if I wasn’t distracted by her giant anime eyes.

And just when I thought I couldn’t possibly detest this issue more… the walking corpse of Sun Boy resurfaces.

Element Lad is also planning to COMPLETELY IGNORE A PLANETARY WAR, but thankfully he’s reminded of his own planet falling to an invasion and pledges to do something.

As does Laurel Gand, who takes an important Dominator prisoner.

But one of the most important factors in the war ISN’T EVEN CONNECTED TO THE LEGION: because the Khunds are preparing to attack the Dominator homeworld, the dominators cut off sending further aid to their Earth forces.

The text page has the United Planets politely asking the Legion of Super-Heroes to avoid providing any sort of help.
Don’t worry, they were already doing nothing useful anyway.

The Grid: 23 pages out of 24. I am going insane.
0 pages without a grid
0 splash pages
1 text page

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Legion significance: 0/10
The story s-l-o-w-l-y progresses, but only so much.

 Silver Age-ness: 0/10
Yeah, right.

Depression scale: 10/10
Does it stand the test of time? -10/10
This is no longer a superhero book. This is a book that truly believes superheroes are useless, childish silly characters that don’t serve any practical purpose and should be left in the background to focus on other things. Sure, a couple of heroes TALK about sitting out the war for idealistic reasons, but the soldiers are proven right.
The fact that superheroes in stories set in the present day don’t get mixed up with wars is a narrative convention that is useful to keep the parallel with real life. One of the main attractions of having the Legion in a different millennium is that you don’t have to worry about any of that, but instead of taking advantage of it… this book repeatedly sidelines them while piling on so much misery porn that you are left feeling absolutely nothing.

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Legion of Super-Heroes v4 #35 (1992)
plot and breakdowns by Keith Giffen
dialogue and story assist by Tom & Mary Bierbaum
pencils by Jason Pearson
cover by Karl Story

If you thought Sun Boy couldn’t be made to suffer more than he already has… you were lucky enough to avoid the next two issues.

When reviewing the previous issue, I had a moment of doubt asking myself “Am I being too harsh on the Legion for sitting this one out?”.
The first page of THIS issue makes me wonder if I wasn’t harsh enough.

Mon-El is supposed to be the moral pillar of the Galaxy, people.
He COULD use his powers to actually save people, but the plot says otherwise.

The only reason Mon-El didn’t stop these people… despite ACKNOWLEDGING THAT HE COULD… is that he has to force a Dominator to surrender.
NEXT PAGE.
Why in the name of Professor Potter couldn’t he save those people first and THEN deal with the Dominator!??!?

The 30th century is as thirsty for the Legion to FINALLY ACT LIKE THE LEGION as me.

Notice that this is all thanks to the SW6 Legion, who is ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING WHILE THE ADULTS ARE NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.

Despite their efforts, however, the pivotal moment of the war is OFF-PANEL… AGAIN… because the Khunds took over the Dominator homeworld.

There’s a full text page with the message from the United Planets to Earth, which I admit is a nice touch. But when they’re praising the Legion, it has to be only the SW6 Legion right?

Well that was good news, so I guess the book is contractually obligated to double down on misery porn by having Sun Boy drag his charred remains around…

…and even meet his SW6 counterpart.
While calling for “Alicia” the whole time. Who is Alicia again?

Did Sun Boy kill the Bierbaum’s dog or something? This goes so overboard in destroying him that I would question a psychiatrist.

Also Bounty can SOMEHOW still recognize him.

Hey one of the adult Legionnaires actually DOES SOMETHING!!!

Me whenever one of the adult Legionnaires recalls how to be a hero.

The face of the human resistance ends up being Invisible Kid II.

And if you thought Invisible Kid II is being too harsh… he still manages to avoid unnecessary killing!

But finally, the Dominators officially surrender.

Time to celebrate!

Invisible Kid II then becomes President of Earth, because that’s how it works apparently.
Look he DID handle the rebellion better than anyone else in the series, but this feels weird.

Wait if this was all Universo’s plan, why didn’t HE become President?

The text page has SW6 Shrinking Violet talk about her crush on Devlin.
Man I hope they drop the gimmick of her writing with letters that don’t work, because this is very hard to read.

The Grid: 22 pages out of 25. Pray for me.
0 pages without a grid
1 splash page
2 text pages

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Legion significance: 8/10
While it’s not the official end of the Terra Mosaic, it feels like an ending more than the following issue. Not only this marks the conclusion of some of the most prominent subplots that had been going on since the start of Volume 4, it also has Invisible Kid II as the new President.
This would have been an easy 10/10… if issue 38 didn’t ruin any sort of momentum.
(once again I stress: no spoilers in the comments)

 Silver Age-ness: 0/10
Nope!

Depression scale: 3/10
As if you couldn’t tell, the fact that it takes so much effort for the adult Legionnaires to do anything really rubs me the wrong way. And of course you know my opinion about Sun Boy.
But thankfully the SW6 kids do the heavy lifting of giving hope, plus we have reasons to hope for a happy ending! I mean, we won’t GET it because it’s the 5YL era, but still.

Does it stand the test of time? 6/10
I understand why the Terra Mosaic storyline gets praised. In fact, if it only focused on the SW6 kids and a couple of subplots, I would really like it. But you have to cut a lot of stuff that I don’t think works, like basically ANYTHING the adult Legionnaires do (or don’t do).
I also hate the fact that one of the major reasons for Earth winning the fight… the Khund invasion of their homeworld… is entirely disconnected from anything the Legion does.
We really couldn’t save one lousy page to showing any Legion ally cut a deal with the Khunds or something like that?

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Legion of Super-Heroes v4 #36 (1992)
plot and breakdowns by Keith Giffen
dialogue and story assist by Tom & Mary Bierbaum
cover and pencils by Jason Pearson

That sure felt like an ending to the storyline, right? But no, apparently the most pressing question of the Terra Mosaic must have been “What if Sade and Bounty fought?”.
The sequel to “What if we cared about Sade and Bounty?”, I guess.

I need to remind you that Infectious Lass is both immune to any disease AND carries every single disease known to the Galaxy. That she could give anyone, at will.
If THAT doesn’t tell you that Invisible Kid II is serious in his relationship, I don’t know what would!

Don’t let the slightly upbeat ending of issue 35 fool you. This is still a depressionfest.
(also I still can’t believe this guy is Tyroc)

I’ve mentioned several times that Matter-Eater Lad is one of the characters… perhaps the only one… that benefits from the 5YL era.
While I’m one of those who appreciates this version, there are moments where I understand its critics that say it turned M.E.L into an idiot.

So, uhm, are we sure Duo Damsel has not been replaced by a Durlan shapeshifter?

The cover promises that the fight between Bounty and Sade will be the driving force of the issue, but we start off with Bounty fighting with Circe about who gets to keep the dying living corpse of Sun Boy.

So Bounty just leaves. Against the wishes of the voices in her head.

Circe is mad at the SW6 Legionnaires because she blames the Legion for Sun Boy’s demise.
This really makes me wonder if the Bierbaums are the ones to do this? They’re not exactly subtle in how they handle characters.

Even if you agree with the deconstruction of Sun Boy… I absolutely don’t, but for the sake of argument… he’s had a resolution to his tragedy. Now what’s even the point of having him still around, in agonizing pain and begging for his life?
MAYBE if he was trying to teach a lesson to his younger counterpart… “don’t do this or you’ll end up like me”… MAYBE it could have worked.
Like this? Just misery porn.

What the… Laurel Gand suggesting to Mon-El they both “get back to their own time”?
Since this is the SW6 version I really hope she means going back to the Adventure Comics times, because otherwise it would mean the writers forgot that she’s from the 30th century!

Also because BRAINIAC 5 CANNOT DO ANYTHING IN THIS VOLUME, he’s not going to prove whether the SW6 Legionnaires are clones or the originals.

The SW6 Light Lass… who I guess just recalled she’s in this too, because she hasn’t done anything so far… absolves Mon-El for taking any blame about the deaths occurring during the war.
That’s certainly a consolation for the people he admitted he COULD have saved.

Despite announcing she would leave Bounty is still around the Legionnaires, and we continue the theme of treating the young Legionnaires as vapid airheads.

And after 10 pages we get to the reason why the cover of the last Terra Mosaic chapter is dedicated to Bounty and Sade…

…specifically, their pointless fight.

WHY ARE WE GIVING SO MUCH ATTENTION TO THESE PEOPLE!?!?

Once Sade kills Bounty… all while MON-EL STANDS THERE DOING NOTHING, I might add… we discover Bounty is being possessed.

In fact, Bounty has been Dawnstar the entire time (!!!), and it was apparently obvious!?

Yeah I mean OBVIOUSLY we picked up the similarities!
Dawnstar is a stuck-up space hippie with wings who is never seen without her space tiara.
Bounty is a trigger happy mercenary without wings who never wears a space tiara and has a stupid tattoo on her face.
Did I mention one of those two doesn’t have wings?
THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE THE SAME NUMBER OF LIMBS, how was this obvious!?!?

Cosmic Boy continues to be a moron: one of your former teammates was possessed by an murderous entity and you need SOMEONE ELSE to tell you that you should investigate!?
Also we keep being vague about who is the clone.

Light Lass tries to lighten up the mood with some fanservice, but I’m to distracted by her completely inhuman anatomy.

With that… whatever the heck that was… over, we can return to our regular depression.

SW6 Cosmic Boy tries to cheer up the young Sun Boy, hoping that the tragedy of his older self will eventually mean something.

It doesn’t. Sun Boy is euthanized by Circe.

Who then kills herself.

Element Lad decides to leave Earth. I guess being useful for FIVE MINUTES was too much.
He did so little that I didn’t move him from the reserves to the regulars.

And we close the issue that contains euthanasia and suicide with a positive note.
It won’t last long, because 5YL.

The Grid: 24 pages out of 24. There is no God.
0 pages without a grid
0 splash pages
0 text pages

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Legion significance: 2/10
Can you believe this series is NOT EVEN DONE desecrating Sun Boy? Of course you do, at this point. Mercifully it will take some time before that final insult.

 Silver Age-ness: –∞/10
For context: in five years I have never gone below a 0/10.

Depression scale: ∞/10
For context: the last time it was so high, the Moon blew up killing billions of people.

Does it stand the test of time? -99/10
Currently standing at the lowest score on this site in the category.
Say what you will about Metal Men #20, World’s Finest #174 and World’s Finest #222… they’re bad and with bad messages, but at least they’re entertaining and fun.
This is neither. I’m even struggling to express why and how it’s so bad.
I gave issue 28 a -30/10 score because at least I recognized there was a creative reasoning behind butchering Sun Boy. I don’t think the story accomplished its goal, AT ALL, but I could respect the intention. I just can’t with this one.
I never want to look at his comic ever again in my life.

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Legion of Super-Heroes v4 #37 (1992)
written by Tom & Mary Bierbaum
pencils by June Brigman
cover by Brian Stelfreeze

Well… that was awful. While this review is already waaaay too long, I couldn’t bring myself to end with such a downer… so let’s go with an issue that is almost filler.

The Annual showed ups that Star Boy is now the coach of a Future Baseball team, so for some reason let’s catch up with him.

And if you didn’t like the Annual’s depiction of Dream Girl as a vapid horndog… you’re going to like her even less here.
She’s currently High Seer of her planet, which apparently means going around with boy-toys.

It’s abundantly clear that the Bierbaums reeeeally don’t like Dream Girl, so they have Star Boy marry someone else.

They’re not exactly subtle about the fact that she wants him back to sleep with him, not because she has feelings for him or because he could still be a hero.

Saturn Girl is attacked by an obscured figure who’s after her kids. This is not picked up in the rest of the story.

So what IS this story about?

Well it’s a, uhm, it’s a baseball story? I guess? Honestly I find this entire thing so mind-numbingly boring that I struggle to keep my eyes open.

But can you blame me when even Star Boy seems asleep!?

If you’re wondering if Star Boy ended up marrying a woman who resembles Dream Girl when she was younger… well like I said the Bierbaums are not exactly subtle writers.

The artwork is nothing special, but holy crap is it a breath of fresh air to be able to tell characters apart again!!!

I sure am glad we’re dedicating a whole issue to a freaking baseball game instead dealing with EARTH BEING LIBERATED AFTER A TYRANNICAL RULE.

Yeah I guess this is more important.

Meanwhile the SW6 Mon-El attempts to use the Time Bubble™ to escape from this era.
I feel you, buddy.

And we close the story with Dream Girl trying to convince Star Boy to cheat on his wife.
Stay classy, 5YL.

The Grid: 2 pages out of 24. I would rejoice if I cared about this issue.
22 pages without a grid
0 splash pages
0 text pages  

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Legion significance: 0/10
Fluff.

Silver Age-ness: 4/10
There’s a gorilla player. I’ll take what I can get in this era.

Depression scale: 5/10
Yes it’s a breather issue. But it’s also Star Boy ditching being a superhero to coach and Dream Girl being a lazy hedonist while completely ignoring there was a whole war going on.

Does it stand the test of time? 3/10
I might have liked it more if the previous issued had not crushed my spirit, and if I didn’t know that the next issue will be another devastating blow.
But even with that… Star Boy is profoundly uninteresting, Dream Girl is just insulting, and I struggle to find reasons for spending money on this.
Well the artwork’s nice and there are some good alien designs here and there.

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We are legion
Adding Kid Quantum and Sun Boy as a deceased members, and I’m moving SW6 Mon-El on the reserves.

27 active Legionnaires
4 reserve members
32 resigned members
16 deceased members
79 people have been members
62 people have been rejected

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Interesting letters: it’s always jarring for me to see praise like this for issue 28, because I feel like I’ve stumbled on people from a parallel dimension where they published a different comic from the one that I’ve read.

Like some of my readers, Rob also found it difficult to reconcile Sun Boy’s attitude with the character we followed for years.
(letter cut for brevity)

Other readers have harsher words.

The Bierbaums themselves acknowledge that letters like Victor’s are the minority.

And these were just the letters published in #33!!!

The letters page of #34 is replaced by advertisements for the upcoming spinoffs for Timber Wolf and Valor, as well as the new Legionnaires series.
But it also has a tease for #38 that sounds pretty spot-on for what we’ll get, which is weird considering the reputation of #38 of being an utter surprise for the editors.
We’ll discuss that in detail, as issue 38 will get a standalone review.

You can thank and blame Keith Giffen for Terra Mosaic.

I feel you, Carl. Believe me I do.

Issue 37 has the reactions to the annual. Some positive…

…and some are not. Good call on pointing out that the celebration was taking place while Earth was still under siege!

Reactions to the Proty retcon are mixed at best.

Several readers are indignant of the suggestion that Duo Damsel was cheating on her husband. I thought that the Annual was relatively clear about that being Colossal Boy’s shapeshifting wife, but I find it worrying that the Bierbaums don’t try correcting them.

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And that’s a wrap on this overly long review. As if you couldn’t tell I really, REALLY wanted to get out of this period as fast as I possibly could.

Next we’ll take a bit of a breather, taking a look at the first issues of the Valor series and at the infamous Timber Wolf limited series.
Only after that we will resume with issue 38.

Maybe I’ll eventually stumble on something more enjoyable than getting through these last five issues… like chewing glass, for example.